Mixing Helpfulness and Humor Since 2005

Friday, September 30, 2005

Sourdough Tip of the Day

English Muffins are the English's gift to breakfast eaters everywhere. An now'a days the folks over at Thomas' are getting fancy and making muffins in many different varieties. The trick is with these differences you might be confused as to toasting times. Right now they come in Regular, Sourdough, Cinnamon Raisin, and a wide variety of hearty grains. You already know what setting you want your toaster on to get the regular muffins toasted correctly. For the rest of them, remember this little line "If it looks different, then toast different, if it just tastes different don't tough the toaster."

How that plays out in real life. Sourdough you can toast for the same time that you toast regular. It will produce the same about of crispiness. However on the hearty grains and the raisin variety the bread is darker so it will take a couple more seconds to achieve the same level of crispiness.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Birthday Tip of the Day

The Developers of Tip of the Day would like to apologize for being "hungover" from a wild party last night, and consequently only now posting today's tip.

If you're planning a surprise dinner for a friend's birthday, it's typically a good idea to park your car far away from most conventional parking spaces. Otherwise said friend may see you car, and your surprise is a bust.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Packing Tip of the Day

Now we know to not forget our underpants, but how do I remember to remember that and everything else I will need? I have had great luck using lists. Just cross it off when you get it in your bag. This way you won't have that nagging feeling like you're forgetting something as you head out the door. No, if you forget it, you forgot it when you made the list, but you can be confident that you have everything on your list. Ta da, no nagging feeling!

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Email Tip of the Day

So to you, you just write email messages all day and probably don't even think twice about them. Why do that, when you can add another detail in your life you can worry about? So if you want way too much information on writing emails, and the thought process that goes into them check out Writing sensible email messages. I guess all technologies mature into an crafted art form, bur seriously this might be overkill. On the other hand I have gotten some work emails that could really befit from these tips. At least it will take you longer writing emails this way which can help prevent you from getting actual work done.

Dogging the article aside it does have some good points, especially about Subject lines, but I do enjoy a good "stand-up act" work email every once in a while.

Monday, September 26, 2005

How-To Guide to Keep the Government from Seizing your Property (Part VIII)

8. Rock Paper Scissors - Only use this devastating strategy as a last resort, as the mental and psychological ramifications can be extreme. Come out your front door waving a white flag, and asking for negotiations. (For you French out there, you will have a strong temptation to make this your first strategy, but you must not give in.) Challenge the highest ranking government official to a high-stakes no-holds-barred game of Rock Paper Scissors. This could be the mayor, but by this time, it is entirely possible that a 4-star general or even the governor may be present. Regardless of rank, no one can resist the sirens' song of Rock Paper Scissors. Make sure you have refined your strategies and technique. If you lose the first round, quickly say, "Best of three!" If you find yourself losing again, shout out, "Best of five!" No chivalrous man would do you the dishonor of refusing. Unfortunately, outside the military's officer corps, very few government officials are chivalrous, and this could be your undoing.

So that's the guide. If all these strategies ultimately fail, maybe you can get a job at the Lost Liberty Hotel, and better luck next time!

Thank you so much to Citizen Grim and Right Hand of God for letting us "reprint" this hilarious guide. If you missed any part of this 8 part guide the links to the rest of it are below:

Guide to Keep the Government from Seizing your Property (Part I)
Guide to Keep the Government from Seizing your Property (Part II)
Guide to Keep the Government from Seizing your Property (Part III)
Guide to Keep the Government from Seizing your Property (Part IV)
Guide to Keep the Government from Seizing your Property (Part V)
Guide to Keep the Government from Seizing your Property (Part VI)
Guide to Keep the Government from Seizing your Property (Part VII)

Sunday, September 25, 2005

Beer Tip of the Day

**TODAY'S TIP ACTUALLY TESTED BY RECRUITED TEST-SUBJECTS™**

It's generally not a good idea to drink more than three alcoholic beverages in the morning before 7:00 am. Unless you're attempting a non-conventional fish lure whilst fishing.

Saturday, September 24, 2005

Fishing Tip of the Day

All fish are not like the little fishys you get at Wal-Mart. Their are not gold fish. Some fish even have teeth. So when are are out on a big lake or ocean fishing be careful. If a fish is flopping around you can pick it up, but before you become a trained expert you should probably not pick up the fish. They will try to bite your fingers off or even if they don't have teeth they might try to stab you with their extra sharp razor fins.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Absent Tip of the Day

When both namesakes of a tip of the day blog are leaving town to be in a wedding, they should remind the rest of the blog's writing team to post tips in their absence. ;-)

Bonus Wedding Tip of the Day: Girls, if you're tired of catching the bouquet at weddings (and then consequently not fulfilling the old wives' tale that you'll be the next to marry), don't try NOT to catch it, because it will more than likely bounce off a ceiling and a wall in order to land in your hands. Put a 7-year-old in front of you and pretend like you're trying to catch the bouquet. Generally, the little girl will excitedly grab the flowers, inches from your hands. (p.s.-this tip doesn't work if you're six feet tall, as the rebound catch is inevitable.)

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Packing Tip of the Day

When packing for a long trip, don't forget to bring underwear.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Body Language Tip of the Day

When you are involved in a conversation, one key part you should be aware of is the other person's body language. Non-verbal signals make up 90% of our communication so it is very important that you know how to read them. This way you will know when to keep talking or when it's time to move along...

Normally when we talk to another person we nod and say "yeah" and "uh huh" to let the other person know that you are listening. Well, if the person you are talking to is nodding a lot constantly saying "yeah, go on..." then really they are telling you to "speed it up already and get to the point..." It's not that they are really interested in the conversation they really just want you to wrap it up.

Usually the head nods and constant "affirmation" makes you want to add more detail to your story. Well, you may want to rethink next time your friend turns into a bobble head in the middle of a conversation.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Bacon Tip of the Day

Bacon is mighty tasty, but you should be careful when you cook it. It turns out dodgy bacon killed some senior citizens. We're not 100% sure what classifies bacon as "dodgy", we are also not sure exactly sure what gastroenteritis is. But, any word that starts with "gas" can't be too good, and with a word that long it must have been painful.

So remember boys and girls, to bac1 your bacon fully or you could be letting bac2 live!

1 bāk
2 bak

Monday, September 19, 2005

Guide to Keep the Government from Seizing your Property (Part VII)

7. Fortify Your Perimeter - Once you have your little militia formed, they will need battlestations to man. The government will probably try to stop you from getting artillery emplacements or anti-tank weapons, but that doesn't mean you are without your options! (By the way, we probably should have told you earlier, but just for reading this guide, you are now on the Homeland Security No-Fly Watch List. Sucks to be you, dude.) If they won't sell you any weaponry, you can always fall back on an old reliable stand-by: construct tree houses at strategic locations (preferably trees) around your yard. Many ancient cultures, such as the Ewoks and the Swiss Family Robinson, used these primitive fortifications to overcome superior numbers and technology, and I see no reason why you cannot, as well.

Guide to Keep the Government from Seizing your Property (Part I)
Guide to Keep the Government from Seizing your Property (Part II)
Guide to Keep the Government from Seizing your Property (Part III)
Guide to Keep the Government from Seizing your Property (Part IV)
Guide to Keep the Government from Seizing your Property (Part V)
Guide to Keep the Government from Seizing your Property (Part VI)

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Auto Tip of the Day

This tip is from Mr. Amerman, Christine's dad, originally...but the "spice" is added by me.

You can greatly prolong the longevity of your car by following this tip. When you start your car up, wait one minute before you put the car in gear and drive off. (Regardless of season). Why is this important? You may already know that when your engine shuts off, the oil that is lubricating the internal parts drains to the oil pan. So, when you start your car, it takes a little time for the oil to recirculate through the engine parts. If you take off immediately, you'll be running an non-lubricated engine! Giving the engine a minute or so will enable the oil to coat the parts and reduce engine wear and tear. Obviously, your engine needs lubricated in the winter and the summer, but in the winter, you may want to wait a bit longer to go, just so your car has a chance to warm up. Here's where it gets fun. Most of your friends will laugh at you if you take a minute to let your car warm up, because we're always in a hurry. But, you can pretend like you're really nervous about the drive. Pretent that you're preparing mentally for the trip. Finely adjust each mirror. Play with the radio volume until you've found that sweet spot. Make sure each turn signal, wiper and horn works. Open and close each door. It's good clean fun, and helps your car too. :-)

Saturday, September 17, 2005

Bacon Tip of the Day

Out in the middle of nowhere and want to make some bacon, but your fry pan is a little smaller then the traditional king sized bacon you normally enjoy. Well if your professional campers you would have a knife or something like that handy, if you are amateur campers like the TodD staff, then you lost the knife the night before while you were trying to fend of a bear. So what do you do? Just take the hatchet that you used to cut up firewood and use it on the bacon.



Bonus tip: Put a nice big rock under the bacon for a clean sliced cut.

Friday, September 16, 2005

Constitution Tip of the Day

For those of you lucky enough to avoid working in an "educational institution" you may not know that September 17th is Constitution Day! On this day back in 1787 our Constitution was signed. You may also not know that last year our federal government instituted a law about Constitution Day:

Section 111(b) states ``[e]ach educational institution that receives Federal funds for a fiscal year shall hold an educational program on the United States Constitution on September 17 of such year for the students served by the educational institution.''

So, if you are in any way affiliated with an educational institution you should be celebrating this Friday, September 16th, something to do with the Constitution. Perhaps you want to visit the site of the National Constitution Center or join the country in a recitation of the Preamble to the Constitution at 2 pm eastern time.

However you choose to celebrate, remember, you have to! It's a federal law--and we don't want anyone getting in trouble!

Editor's Question: How will you choose to celebrate Constitution day?

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Crying Tips of the Day

It is always a delicate issue what people are crying in your presence, and sometimes you might not be having the same emotional reaction as they are. Here are three things, in increasing degrees of rudeness, not to do if other's are crying. 1) Let them know that you do not think what they are crying about it is worth shedding tears. 2) Laugh, while they are crying 3) Laugh at them, because they are crying.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

GoodyTwoShoes Tip of the Day

When I was in school, and also in life in general, I tend to be a GoodyTwoShoes. I ran this word together because Pete only allows ONE word before "Tip of the Day." Anyway, I think it paid off for me, because my brother definitely is not that, and it got him in a little trouble. (Which was well-deserved.) The tip is this. If you're on a mission trip and asked to memorize verses, or read a book, DO IT. Otherwise, you may be on your youth pastor's "hit list." This is NOT a good list to be on, especially in a third-world country with poor sewer service. Someone is guaranteed to put toilet paper in the toilet, and when it comes time to unclog it, if you're on the hit list, you probably will be the one to do it. So, being a good kid and doing what you're asked may not always be fun or convenient, but you'll have your laugh when you're NOT the one fishing toilet paper out of a clogged toilet.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Camping Tips of the Day



Thanks to the US Department of Agriculture Forest Service for today's tip

Monday, September 12, 2005

How-To Guide to Keep the Government from Seizing your Property (Part VI)

6. Form a Militia - This one may take a little planning. There was once a time where you only had to ride a horse through town in the middle of the night screaming about Redcoats, but that sort of business will get you locked up in a padded cell these days. An alternative, though, is to have lots of kids (if you have a hot wife, all the better). Your kids will willingly join your militia for the promise of some Mac & Cheese, or a trip to the zoo. Important: Make sure trigger-happy Janet Reno is not in the area.

Guide to Keep the Government from Seizing your Property (Part I)
Guide to Keep the Government from Seizing your Property (Part II)
Guide to Keep the Government from Seizing your Property (Part III)
Guide to Keep the Government from Seizing your Property (Part IV)
Guide to Keep the Government from Seizing your Property (Part V)

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Yardsale Tip of the Day

Publisher's Note: Sorry to all of those who have noticed that the day's tip was not ready in the morning or have had problems connecting to Tip O Da Day over the last couple weeks. Between Blogger and my server we are having some serious reliability issues. Hopefully they will be resolved soon.

Everyone wants to barter and talk you down in price while shopping at your yard sale, and that's alright because you mainly just wanna get rid of crap. But you would like to make some money on the side. So, instead of taking the fifty-cents someone offers you to take the shirt you have marked as a dollar, tell them you'll give them 2 shirt for $1. That way you still get the dollar out of that customer and you are rid of one more shirt you are never going to wear. Yard sales are also sources for lots of random stuff, and you know you're never going to sell it all. To try to get rid of most of it, and sell stuff that is actually in the double digits, make some package deals. Offer a flat rate if they're willing to buy all your CDs, or group all your Christmas stuff together and charge $10, you get the idea.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

Yardsale Tip of the Day

People love to buy junk. But you have to disguise your junk as a treasure, and the best way to do that at a yardsale is to creatively market it. For example, who wants to buy a used litter box, or kitten chow, or a cat cage? No one. BUT, if you advertise a "KAT KIT" and write "GENTLY USED" on it, you'll attract the big spenders. Got books and CDs? Create the "book nook." Have a loofah sitting around? Advertise, "Used Once! Got Chafed!" The true test of your signage/marketing skills is if you can sell a bag of trash/fun for $1.

Friday, September 09, 2005

Kissing Tip of the Day

If you want your girlfriend to actually kiss you, it's generally NOT a good idea to "go in for the kill" with your mouth open. She just might think you're 1.) silly, 2.) disgusting, or 3.) silly & disgusting. Even worse than going in with your mouth open would be going in with your mouth open and tongue out. And worse STILL would be mouth open, tongue out, and aiming for her nose (by the way, whoever did that in photoshop really isn't that good.). Neither of those would be conducive to continued oral connectivity. Asburians, is that Craig Hodges?

Thursday, September 08, 2005

S'more Tip of the Day

One of the greatest challenges in going camping is not dodging rain or avoiding rabid bears, it is truly making the perfect S'more. After years of testing and research TodD labs have shown that the real trick is getting the chocolate soft. The first method we tried was putting the chocolate in your dryer but that just left a big mess. We had to continue our research, and found that everything you need it right there under the Hershey's wrapper. Use the foil wrapping to create a little reflector and put that on the ground by the fire (Fig. A). By the time you marshmallow is nicely toasted your chocolate will be nice and soft. Put the graham cracker on top and you've got the perfect S'more.


Figure A: A blurry picture, but is it just so dark out in the middle of nowhere

Editor's Note: We made it entirely through this tip with out making a single bad pun using "S'more" as a play on "some more"

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Propose a Tip of the Day

There is a certain biology teacher, lets just call him, em…Mr. McMillin, who has been dating his girlfriend for 8 years, four of which have been long distance. Well, he's finally ready to take the plunge, and wants to ask his girlfriend to marry him. He has a problem, he doesn't know when to do it. He was thinking of New Years Eve, but some of the ladies he works with mentioned that it might not be wise to make her wait through Christmas. After all, she might be expecting it (after 8 years), this Christmas and find herself disappointed. So now, he's thinking in order to make it a suprise, perhaps he should just go for Christmas Eve. Poor guy, all of 24 years old and so confused. Anyway, I figure, there are many avid readers of Pete & Jay's Tip O Da Day who may have some advice for this poor boy.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Bartering Tip of the Day

If you're in a third-world country where the bartering system is still intact, or if you buy your car from Paul Miller Mazda, there are a few things you need to remember. First, the very nature of bartering implies stress to non-confrontational people like myself. The seller wants to "close" the deal, and you don't want to get ripped off. But, it's easy to, in the stress and anxiety of it all, settle for something that's actually higher than you intended! This is complicated even further with the use of foreign moneys. So, here's the scenario. You want a Dominican-manufactured hand-made journal. First thing, you need to figure out what you'd like to pay in US dollars. (Because there are prices on these things, but you can always pay less than half of the marked price.) Let's say you're willing to spend $3. Before you approach the vendor, calculate that into pesos. (3x28 is a little less than 100 pesos). Begin bartering. If you don't have a peso amount in mind, you'll end up thinking 600 pesos is "a couple of dollars" and then come to find out it's like $18!

Monday, September 05, 2005

Guide to Keep the Government from Seizing your Property (Part V)

5. Become an Indian - Another method to consider is to follow the lead of Ward Churchill and Bill Clinton, and become an official member of an Indian tribe. Everyone knows that only an arrogant white male imperialist oppressor would question what an Indian says, so this will solve a lot of your problems right off the bat. Heck, they won't even dare making a passing reference to you. Then, all you need to do is call up the media (if they aren't still around from #2) and tell them how you are being forced to leave your ancient homeland, where your ancestors have hunted the buffalo for generations. (Squirrels for those of us from New Jersey.) This plan is also nearly flawless, unless your name happens to translate as "Apaches-Are-Smelly-Squaws" or something, and they go on the warpath against you.

Guide to Keep the Government from Seizing your Property (Part I)
Guide to Keep the Government from Seizing your Property (Part II)
Guide to Keep the Government from Seizing your Property (Part III)
Guide to Keep the Government from Seizing your Property (Part IV)

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Clock Tip of the Day

A stopped clock is completely correct, as accurate as an atomic clock, for precisely two minutes EVERY day. So you can't say it's useless.

Saturday, September 03, 2005

Moving Tip of the Day

Getting rid of junk is a major hurdle in the moving process, so here's some free advice. Having a yard sale and not advertising it in the newspaper is a bad, bad idea. I would go so far as to say that some people buy a Saturday paper in the summer solely for the yard sale listings within. When deciding what to sell, make some rules and stick to your guns. If you haven't used it in a year, lose it. If it doesn't fit, if you're keeping it because it was a gift and you hate it, if it's related to some hobby you don't actually participate in but just wish you did, say goodbye. Then use the yard sale profits to pay your movers. Call thrift stores to see if they'll pick up your old furniture. As soon as the sale ends, throw all leftovers in a car and take them directly to a donation center. Ah, the bliss of having less crap.

Friday, September 02, 2005

Relief Tip of the Day

For those of you who really want to help the Hurricane Katrina victims, but just aren't sure how, visit FEMA's web site. Besides having a list of many different charities to which you can donate, there are also tips from the Federal Trade Commission on how to make sure the charities to which you donate are legit. You can feel safe giving to well established "name brand" relief organizations such as the Salvation Army (1-800-SAL-ARMY). The bigger organizations also have a great amount of experience and infrastructure in dealing with these types of situations.

If you have a particular penchant for pets, visit TheHorse.com. Ways to help horses are on top, but if you scroll down, I've also included information on how to help all species of animals affected by Katrina.

-StephChurch
RachNutt & Pete also contributed to this tip

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Marriagability Tip of the Day

Apparently you kids like marriagability tips, so I am providing more. I worry that some crave advice because they find themselves fundamentally unmarryable, which is sort of sad. Even sadder that you're taking cues from me, because, sweetie, it ain't going to get you anywhere. Nonetheless:

Tailor your DVD collection to potential suitors (or suitesses?). For some, this means that you should hide approximately two-thirds of your Star Trek, Japanimation or NFL Sports Highlights collections when you know company's coming. Or, for example, if you happen to proudly display your Pauly Shore movies, tuck a few away. Avoid teenybopper sensory overload by limiting romantic comedies to two or three. Under no circumstance should you request that your significant other watch an entire season of Gilmore Girls with you, especially if you know you're prone to quoting aloud. However, it is perfectly fine to gently remind the opposite sex that all valuable life lessons can be learned watching Steel Magnolias. Everyone should know that; sheesh.