Mixing Helpfulness and Humor Since 2005

Monday, September 12, 2005

How-To Guide to Keep the Government from Seizing your Property (Part VI)

6. Form a Militia - This one may take a little planning. There was once a time where you only had to ride a horse through town in the middle of the night screaming about Redcoats, but that sort of business will get you locked up in a padded cell these days. An alternative, though, is to have lots of kids (if you have a hot wife, all the better). Your kids will willingly join your militia for the promise of some Mac & Cheese, or a trip to the zoo. Important: Make sure trigger-happy Janet Reno is not in the area.

Guide to Keep the Government from Seizing your Property (Part I)
Guide to Keep the Government from Seizing your Property (Part II)
Guide to Keep the Government from Seizing your Property (Part III)
Guide to Keep the Government from Seizing your Property (Part IV)
Guide to Keep the Government from Seizing your Property (Part V)


Blogger Kris said...

I don't think I want a hot wife.

12 September, 2005 08:19

Blogger vander said...

Well then, there goes your militia. But we're just little ol'womanthings, what would we be doing owning property in the first place?

I have to go. My hoopskirt needs attention.

12 September, 2005 09:19

Anonymous Andy said...

Nonsense, tons of women own property. Like the Amazons.

And Martha Stewart.

I bet some days she wishes she had a militia.

12 September, 2005 10:04

Blogger vander said...

Foolish mortal. Martha's been squirreling away brickabrack for the inside of her tanks since the mid-nineties.

12 September, 2005 10:19

Blogger Citizen Grim said...


Best. Comment. Ever.

I, for one, welcome our new fashionista overlords.

12 September, 2005 10:47

Blogger Kris said...

So are we saying that you need to be an Amazon or a fashionista overlord in order to be a woman owning property?
Hmmm, Jen, Jules, Elissa...which would we rather be? Perhaps we can just bind together and form our own militia! The roommates might even join in on this thing.

12 September, 2005 12:57

Blogger vander said...

Yes. Amazons and fashionistas only. Track down any friends and family with the right chromosome assortment who are both materialistic and burly, and they'll help you get the ball rolling.

12 September, 2005 13:20

Blogger Pete said...

Ok, ok. Give Grim a break. He Just wrote it from a male point of view, (it's the only one he's ever experienced first hand). You can feel free to read "hot wife" as "hot husband" or "Michael Vartan".

12 September, 2005 13:55

Blogger Jay said...

LOL! I just want to see TV in a hoop skirt!

12 September, 2005 14:03

Blogger vander said...

Don't hold your breath.

12 September, 2005 14:11

Blogger Jules said...

Grim is fine, I hardly think he was getting harrassed. And does anyone else think that TV and Grim could just entertain each other all the live long day with their zany wit? (i am not being sarcastic) Let's put them on island together and see what happens. It can be our next "project." (now i am.)

Peter has obviously been listening though. Nice Michael Vartan reference.

12 September, 2005 14:41

Blogger Jules said...

I would like to clarify my comment. I simply meant that CG and TV are some of our wittiest commentors and seem to entertain each other a lot. Sometimes I feel like I'm just "watching" them banter back and forth with a grin on my face, wishing I was that clever. It's fun.

12 September, 2005 14:47

Anonymous Andy said...

I would like to apologize first and foremost for any perceived slight against the fairer sex, before whom I count myself unworthy to gaze upon their lovely visage. No insult was intended. :)

Secondly, I would like to apologize, as I just noticed that my name sometimes appears as "Citizen Grim" and other times merely as "Andy." It appears that I am subject to the fickle whimsies of Blogger.

Finally, I would like to apologize to any fans of the Atlanta Falcons, as they shall surely be trounced by the Eagles this very night.

12 September, 2005 15:00

Blogger Kris said...

I have enjoyed watching them banter today as well, Jules. And Peter, I think that having Michael Vartan as my "hot husband" would be pretty much the only way to get me to breed my own army.
And Andy, no fans of the Falcons here. David Akers, my favorite fantasy kicker, I take him every year. For those of you who don't follow football, David Akers is from Lexington, so there's a tie to the Eagles for you.

12 September, 2005 15:04

Blogger vander said...

You said fickle whimsy. Hahahaha.

What's a Falcon? Is that like a sports reference?

12 September, 2005 15:06

Blogger Pete said...

"I think that having Michael Vartan as my "hot husband" would be pretty much the only way to get me to breed my own army."

We'll make sure to send that quote to your future husband.

12 September, 2005 15:30

Blogger Jules said...

Yeah, that was a quotable quote on Kris' part. I shall enjoy the little 2004 NFC Championship rematch we have going on tonite. Football season has begun, and there is no sophomore slump in sight for Benny Boy Roethlisberger (whom I am now referring to as the blue-collar Tom Brady, spread the word kids) - I am indeed a happy camper.

12 September, 2005 18:13

Anonymous Andy said...

Steelers are gonna go 12-4 this year.

12 September, 2005 20:03

Blogger Kris said...

Well, Andy did say that having a lot of kids was a way, and I sure can't afford a lot of kids, so I need a rich man to fund this thing. I'm not going on food stamps or welfare to support this army! So yes, it would take a rich, hot man, such as Vartan to help create and support this army.

12 September, 2005 21:19

Blogger Jules said...

The second quarter begins and the Falcons have a healthy 14-0 lead. How big of an Eagles fan ARE you, Andy? I mean, how can you continue to support TO? I am hardly rooting for Atlanta--after all my fantasy defense this week is Philly, and of course I like McNabb--but I can only support a team with that kind of braggard in certain situation.

12 September, 2005 22:06

Blogger Jules said...


12 September, 2005 22:07

Anonymous Andy said...

now now, T.O. has been much better lately. However, I do admit that Im not a big fan of his attitude when he gets all cocky and such.

anyways, they played super sloppy tonight. all of them.


but I still miss Philly

13 September, 2005 01:19

Blogger Jay said...

Is it football season ALREADY? Blech. I thought it started closer to Christmas.

13 September, 2005 09:00

Blogger vander said...

It is indeed. Prepare for a long winter's nap, Jay. Doesn't it suck how, just when one sports season is finally over, they go and start another one? (Sigh.) Let the boredom begin. Again.

13 September, 2005 09:23

Anonymous Anonymous said...

wah wah. i do believe this is the first professional sport we've ever discussed on TodD. you can't be that bored already.

13 September, 2005 09:40

Anonymous Anonymous said...

uh, i didn't mean to post anonymously. for some reason my settings had changed. and when i tried to post this particular comment afterwards, it got all wonky on me. anyways - i'm loud and proud. about what though, i'm not so sure.

13 September, 2005 09:43

Anonymous Anonymous said...

ugh!! This is Julie, unsuccessfully claiming responsibility for anonymous comments. None of which were my fault.

13 September, 2005 09:44

Anonymous Andy said...

Thanks for the backup, anonymous Julie!

-Andy, proudly threadjacking since 2005

13 September, 2005 11:39

Blogger Jules said...

I have an idea. How 'bout we just keep commenting on THIS post instead of any of the others? I bet we can be up over 100 by Friday. To start things off, here's a generic comment for today's tip: "Ha ha! Great tips for camping! Two thumbs up!"

- Jweb (in case the anonymous gnome strikes again, rendering me nameless to the blogger world)

ps - ok, maybe this isn't the best trend I've tried to start.

13 September, 2005 13:00

Blogger Kris said...

I totally "heart" football! Forget the other sports, they're not as cool. So, contrary to VD's thought...when it's over, it's withdrawl time!

13 September, 2005 14:19

Blogger Jules said...

Um, VD? I hope VM doesn't take offense to that unfortunate abbreviation.

13 September, 2005 15:20

Blogger Jay said...

Who is Venereal Disease?

13 September, 2005 15:26

Anonymous Andy said...


sick sick sick sick sick.

13 September, 2005 16:12

Blogger Kris said...

I think I was thinking Van Der Molen, VDM...sorry, brain turns off a little during school, too many kids!

13 September, 2005 17:01

Blogger vander said...

What the crap. VD? Was that an attack on my non-sports-fanaticism? Okay, okay, sports are not boring (in the same way the dentist is not boring and paying taxes is not boring and watching Wall Street Week doesn't put me to sleep and figure skating is cool and fast food is good for you and business phrases like "think outside the box" and "make the ask" are not wholly obnoxious).

Bring on the comments! Let's make it to 100!

13 September, 2005 17:32

Blogger Jules said...

Holy crap. (that's my new challenge! everyone has to use the word "crap" in every comment from here to 100! ok, i'm over-doing it.) Fine, you think sports are boring. I'm just saying, we JUST started talking about them. We skipped right by basketball and baseball. Surely you can't be so bored to tears with us in such a short period of time.

Or maybe you are. But then again - you do keep coming back.

13 September, 2005 18:47

Anonymous Andy said...

First of all, fast food is good for you. Let's get that clear.

I've heard all the arguments, "Burgers give you heart attacks, fries do something with cholesterol, chili has severed fingers in it," but all that crap is just the propanganda of health food makers, who are laughing all the way to the bank!

Believe it!

I submit to the jury the following pieces of evidence:
1 and 2

Who looks jovial, and who looks miserable? It's like I've never said: Happiness is worth a thousand heart attacks.

13 September, 2005 21:08

Blogger Kris said...

I submit to you, fleating happiness, brought on by eating fast food is soon replaced by feeling like crap the rest of the day, which is simply not worth it.
Running, on the other hand, while bringing fleating pain, is soon replaced by feelings of happiness the rest of the day, which is worth it.

13 September, 2005 21:36

Blogger Pete said...

I like Andy's point better.

I like to think I run so I can eat like Buddha and look like Gandhi. But really I would eat the same even if I didn't run.

P.S. Crap

13 September, 2005 23:56

Blogger Citizen Grim said...

You know what they say:

Don't eat to live, live to eat!

And that, I assure you, is not crap. (Is that "crap" beginning to sound forced? No pun intended.)

14 September, 2005 08:59

Blogger vander said...

Gross. Use of the word crap hereby suspended. Jules, I would like to take a minute to thank you and all our fellow tippers (not including Al's, though I harbor her no ill will) for completely ignoring basketball season. I will try not to insult the fair sport of football. It's kind of like ballet; I can appreciate that it's an art that takes great skill and training, but sitting through more than five minutes of it is physically painful for me.

At least it's not golf. Whew.

14 September, 2005 09:26

Blogger Kris said...

Amen to the not golf, sister!

14 September, 2005 11:32

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Our momentum is slowing. Only 7 more comments to 50. Come on, we can do 50, can't we?

15 September, 2005 08:56

Blogger Jules said...


Excuse me, that was ugly for a second. I think my coffee is ready.

15 September, 2005 08:57

Anonymous Andy said...

Will you still need me,
Will you still feed me,
When I'm sixty-four?

15 September, 2005 09:26

Blogger Kris said...

Yes, would somebody please pour Julie some coffee!

15 September, 2005 10:17

Blogger Rnutt said...

You all have entirely too much to do!!! I don't have time to read all these freakin' comments. But you all are so funny and witty, you've got me hooked. Ugh. Thanks.

Oh, and Pete, how's your inbox doing with all these comments???

15 September, 2005 11:45

Blogger Rnutt said...

Dang it. I meant to say. You have entirely too m uch time on your hands and NOT ENOUGH to do!!

48. Two more to 50 for you Julie!

15 September, 2005 11:46

Blogger Pete said...

Rach, I have been having to check my email more regularly to stay on top of them all.

One more Julie, have at it!

15 September, 2005 12:03

Blogger Jules said...

50! 50! 50! 50!

A professional voice-over guy just told me I have a Kentucky accent. I'm pissed.

15 September, 2005 13:07

Blogger Kris said...

I'd be pissed if someone told me that too, Jules. You have no accent! I have no accent! Canterbury, she's got an accent!

There, not just 50, over 50!

15 September, 2005 13:09

Blogger Citizen Grim said...

Hey I wanna find out what sort of accent I have! sounds fun

15 September, 2005 14:34

Blogger Jules said...

Ha ha, you're right Kris. Canterbury DOES have an accent. Unfortunately he's probably partially true concerning me. I pick up whatever is around me, so an odd conglomeration of things can come out of my mouth at any given point. (Watch it, smart alecks.)

Andy, I'm not a professional or anything, but I think you sound pretty northern. In fact, I think you sound Ohioan sometimes, which is why I keep forgetting you're from NJ (except for this time, apparently). But I'm not real familiar with the NJ accent anyways. I'm from the other side of PA-- the non-close-to-NJ side.

15 September, 2005 16:17

Anonymous Andy said...

I did a little research, and you would be amazed the amount of detail that can be found on the most trivial of subjects. Or maybe you wouldnt. The NJ accent actually has three different parts.

The most well known is actually the Bronx accent (they say New Yoawk, Joisey, cute goil, etc). This is mostly in the Bronx, Queens, and the Jersey NYC suburbs. Watch Newsies.

Then there's the north Jersey accent, which is sorta similar. (Jehsey, hawrible, eat an awrange, lawn guyland)

Then there's the south Jersey accent (some people call it the shore accent), which is basically the same as a Philly accent (Jurrsey, yous guys, drink of wooder, intrysting, not yours but mayan)

And that's your "Random Etymology/Linguistics Lesson" for today. :) More weird and useless info here.

15 September, 2005 23:37

Blogger Jules said...

Fascinating! I actually love talking about different accents. Thanks for finding that.

16 September, 2005 09:02

Blogger Pete said...

My friend Steve, his sister has the weirdest/coolest accent ever. If you ever meet her I would like a diagnosis.

16 September, 2005 11:03

Blogger Kris said...

Talk about wierd accents! My dad's sister grew up on Lawn Guyland, along with my dad of course, and now she lives in Basstan. My dad moved from Lawn Guyland to Houston TX to WVA to Buffalo, to Midland TX and then to Louavull. What kind of accent does that leave him with? Not to mention his kids who began the trip building their speaking skills in Buffalo! And my mom made all those trips starting in Eastern PA!

16 September, 2005 23:48

Blogger Blair said...

In the last month I've had two people tell me I've had an accent that's not from around here. Go Blair!

17 September, 2005 09:38

Anonymous Andy said...

"My dad moved from Lawn Guyland to Houston TX to WVA to Buffalo, to Midland TX and then to Louavull"

don't be alarmed, but if you draw those lines on the map, it forms the aramaic word for "plum pudding"


17 September, 2005 20:17

Blogger Kris said...

hmmm, plum pudding, like the early model of the atom. Must be why I'm into chemistry so much. Thanks, Dad! :)

19 September, 2005 09:24

Blogger Blair said...

I wonder if plum pudding exists?

I could get it to 100 but I don't want to spam Peter's inbox.

25 September, 2005 13:47

Blogger Amanda said...

Wow! This was so long ago...before kris found a man actually in the army (so I guess she doesn't have to birth one). And before jules and citizen grim got married (or even dated), so she's talking about sticking tv and cg on an island to wit it out. Interesting...it's like a chronicle of our lives...oh the memories...pass me a tissue. And where was I??? Who knows...I'm sure I wasn't actually working :).

27 December, 2007 10:38


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