Mixing Helpfulness and Humor Since 2005

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Dogsitting Tip of the Day

If you ever are keeping a watchful eye on more than one dog and you cease to hear "jingle jingle jingle," "grrrrr," "jingle jingle jingle," "grooowwwwl," "thump thump thump," "scratch scratch scratch," you can basically count on the fact that they have gotten into trouble. Yes, it will be bad. Most likely, one dog or the other will look like this and the other will have run off.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Organic Tip of the Day

Wan't to eat better, but can't bring yourself to sever ties with your beloved junk food? Consider trying the "Natural and Organic Snacks" from Frito-Lay. It's basically just organic versions of some of their regular product lines, and they only cost a little more than the regular versions.

And the Doritos are surprisingly good, considering they're made out of organic corn, expeller-pressed sunflower oil, fairy kisses, and moonbeams.

Monday, May 29, 2006

Dogfight Tip of the Day

Or, things learned from watching Pablo. If you're a small dog, there are some important things you can do to gain the upper hand in a fight with a bigger dog. Pablo taught me that jumping up on your hind legs and wrapping your arms around the attacker's neck and biting his eyes, lips and snout will often enable him to dominate and pull down his larger prey. Nevermind the fact that it typically results in one of them getting their peepee sniffed.

Sunday, May 28, 2006

Oopsies Tip of the Day

If you forget something important, even posting a tip, remember that there's always grace. :-)

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Loan Tip of the Day

If you happen to be in the middle of a 6 car pile-up and your Honda Civic gets totaled don't take out a loan from work to pay off the car in full. Leave those remaining car payments! You can use the ones that havent been paid off in an insurance settlement.

Friday, May 26, 2006

500th Tip of the Day

That's right folks. This here tip is our 500th tip ever. Through these 500 tips, we've learned what a tip really is. So have a look at several that we have found through the years:


The tip of a marker


A finger tip


On the tip of my tongue


"A good tipper after a good dinner" or "queer as a two dollar bill"


Tipping stuff over. (Happens alot around here)


Q-Tip aka Swisspers (disclaimer: This picture was simulated. Never stick anything smaller than your finger in your ear)


Tripp, er, ok I guess not


Tipper "But I hardly know her" Gore


Highlighted Tips


Um, no comment


Tip of the iceberg


Audi Tiptronic Gear Shift


Tip off


Wing Tip Shoes


Tip Toes


Cow Tipping


Tipped Off

Then finally, the type of tip we're most used to around here:

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Garage Tip of the Day

In the event that you live in a shoddily-made Ball Homes house, you likely will have to deal with this problem at some point, and it's helpful to know how to address it. Your poorly crafted home, made of pretzels, just might have some issues with the garage door sensor (you know, the laser eye that makes sure your kitty doesn't get squished underneath the garage door.) You see, Ball Homes, in an attempt to save money, doesn't try to protect the cables running to these laser sensors, making it easy for a routine trash can removal to somehow knock the cable out of the sensor. In most scenarios, this would mean your garage door could never go down, because, after all, your garage door thinks it'd be squishing a kitty. But, I discovered that if you press and hold your garage door button until the door is entirely down, it will still shut. Basically, your garage door opener gives you the ability to say, "yes, I see that kitty, and yes I will squish him." So, for a quick fix, this will do for a few days until your chain-smoking landlady can finally get your request.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Shooting Tip of the Day


When first learning to shoot, it's probably not best to start with a moving target, and the biggest gun with the most kick. On the other hand, it does make everything else seem easier!

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Eaten-alive Tip of the Day

Want to know what it feels like to get eaten alive by rats? It's simple. Take two rowdy dogs who are crazily playing with one another, and lay down on your back right near them. The licking, sniffing and nibbling that ensues I'd imagine is pretty close to that age old feeling of being eaten alive by rats.

Monday, May 22, 2006

Cookie Tip of the Day

Cookie

33 seconds is too long to warm up a cookie in the microwave. Try like 8 instead.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Apples Tip of the Day

Looking for a fun party game to "get this party started?" Well, simply pick up your copy of the board game "Apples to Apples" and make a few modifications. First, count how many people are playing. Let's say there are 10. Give each player 10 GREEN cards (the number of cards is equal to the number of players). Each card has an adjective on it. Next, inform the players that they have to assign one card to each player, and themselves. So in the end, each player will be given 10 cards that the other players have used to describe them. Bear in mind folks, that many of these adjectives are negative, so there may be hurt feelings. Nonetheless, it will result in hours of laughter.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Playmate Tip of the Day

If you're watching two puppies, chances are, you'll have your hands full. Which is why it's important to make sure that while you're tending to one puppy, the other doesn't bolt outside, or into traffic or a nearby sewer drainage ditch. This could make life interesting. The result may be be two mud-laden puppies scattering about the house traipsing dirt everywhere.

Friday, May 19, 2006

Waxing Tip of the Day

"Lesson learned: when Andy waxes eloquent about how great the weather is, storm clouds will spontaneously generate within minutes, defying all laws of nature and physics."
-Andy

Thanks for waxing Andy, no we really mean it, really we do.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Song Tip of the Day

If you haven't heard it yet, you need to preview and purchase the song "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol. It's a veritable ear-gasm.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

ID Tip of the Day

Maybe you should know who your interviewing before you stick em on the air. So as the updated version of the story goes. This guy, named "Guy" was at BBC for a job interview, and for a TV interview there was another guy named "Guy" who was supposed to be on air, well supposedly the wrong Guy made it on air. The result is hilarious, Guy's first look says it all. It not even like the two Guys even look remotely alike, one is a beefy black Guy from The Congo, and the other is a pasty white Guy from England who looks exactly like a pasty white guy from England.

Truth is stranger than fiction.®

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Puppy Tip of the Day

This tip is similar to our pet naming tip of yesteryear, but with a small modification. We've already stated that we like naming pets human names, such as "George" or "Barry" or "Ann" or "Mary." But, what's even more fun is giving your new baby puppy a MIDDLE name to make him even more ridiculously cute. If you have a puppy named "Cheddar," it can be a fun proposition to call him something like "Cheddar Michael" or "Cheddar Jack" or "Cheddar Marshall Montgomery." Anyone have any suggestions for middle names?

Monday, May 15, 2006

Grocery Tip O Da Day

It totally pays to be observant of your receipt at Kroger, literally! If an item scans wrong, for instance it is on sale but doesn't ring up with the correct price, you can take your receipt to Customer Service and get reimbursed for that item. I recently got a free container of peppercorn feta cheese because of an incorrect scan. Who knew!

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Fraud Tip of the Day

Phishing, SPAM emails that try to con their readers into disclosing important information,have taken a new route. Up until now that would be fake emails that looked like an respected company, PayPal, CitiBank etc. and would encourage you to click on a link that leads to a look-alike website. Once you pushed your user info into their webpage they had everything they needed to exploit your real account. Now their stepping up a knotch with asking you to call a phone number manned by the crooks themselves. C|Net has a article with more info.

Today's Tip, only call the number on the back of your card, and don't click on the links in what look like important emails.

Saturday, May 13, 2006

Breakup Tip of the Day

If you're going through a rough breakup, here's a great way to deal with your anguish.

Friday, May 12, 2006

Poker Tip of the Day: Part I

Read up on Texas Holdem

If you want be a good poker player then you better know the rules. That pretty much applies to any game. You should be familiar with the card rankings so you'll be able to determine how strong your hand is and what the chances are of someone having something better than you. Look for books or go to the Internet to find clever strategy tips.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Door-to-Door Tip of the Day

There are somethings, that you should, never ever accept from someone going door to door, especially this guy:

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Wardrobe Malfunction Tip of the Day

It's really important to test out swimwear (btw, I think that picture is of our landlady, Janet Hacker, affectionately referred to herein as "J-Hack") prior to your first summer pool party, hot tub shindig, or other dunkeroo in any water. I recommend a few simple tests to avoid wardrobe malfunctions in front of large groups of people involving bright sunlight and cold water. First, make sure the swimsuit is not ill-fitting. I've discovered that for guys, it means that it shouldn't hug certain areas, and should also fit snugly around others. For girls, I imagine it just needs to adequately cover "your privates" so you don't look like a naked whore on a boar™. Second, do a quick transparency test when wet. Lightly colored areas near "certain parts" may become completely transparent. This could be awkward for you and your friends. Finally, for guys, avoid wearing swimsuits with liners. If you do wear a swimsuit with a liner, either wear or bring a pair of underoos along. If you are climbing on rocks and get torn, you will not have a second layer of protection to prevent full exposure. Just be careful. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Caffeine Fix Tip of the Day

An Intravenous Coffee Delivery System - it can be made! But there are some things you should consider before hitting the ultimate fix:
  • Make sure you use a sanitary IV needle.
  • You will want the coffee as close to body temperature as possible. Boiling coffee surging through your veins is probably unpleasant.
  • This could possibly kill you.
Okay, those are really the only things to consider.

Monday, May 08, 2006

Hot Tub Tip of the Day

Have a friend who is not throwing enough hot tub parties? No problem. If you can make it past the front desk without a hitch the Mariott Fairfield Inn has a pool and a hot tub for your own personal use.

Disclaimer: Pete & Jay Enterprises does not endorse trespassing, especially to use recreational equipment.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Tax Tip of the Day

Ok, you know there's something wrong with the world when our little humor site here is listed as a
Useful Link
at a tax service website.

Today's takeaway: Don't trust the links at WebTaxService.com

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Trash List of the Day

Thanks to Gmail, when browsing my Trash folder they have a few Recycling Tips:
  • Empty tissue boxes can provide easy and handy storage for plastic grocery bags.
  • Film canisters can be reused to store nails, screws, buttons and pins.
  • There is no limit to the number of times an aluminum can can be recycled.
  • Plastic bags can be reused as bin liners or package stuffing.

Friday, May 05, 2006

Stalker List of the Day

Lots of females have probably been asked out by guys who are just "holistically weird". There is nothing that makes them even remotely unweird--many of these guys propably fit into some of the catagories described by yesterday's tip. Our research also shows that such guys also are slow to "take the hint" when you're trying to tactfully turn them down. Ladies, men who are "holistically weird" need to be "told". Be straight with them, or they truly will not get it. And, as Renee pointed out, you'll receive a call from them every half hour, on the half hour, to see if your plans have changed. So, here are a few poignant, yet direct ways to ward off "holistically weird" stalkers. Start by saying these phrases (and please add to our list):
  • "Even if you were the last man on earth..."
  • "It would be a cold day in hell before..."
  • "Hail no."
  • Anything that will not leave him saying, "so you're saying there's a chance?"

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Dateworthy List of the Day

We've polled lots of women and have found several initial cues to quickly determine if a guy's NOT dateworthy. If he does any or all of the things on this list, he is probably Holistically Weird™ and you will need to directly tell him to "back off." Again, please add to our list should you possess more wisdom than us. (Like that's possible)
  • his friends call him "Mr. Boring" or "Señor Boring"
  • he either plays or is from "Organ"
  • he looks more "seaworthy" than "dateworthy"
  • he has longer hair, bigger boobs, or smaller waist than you
  • he cancelled "Game Nite with Mom™" to go out with you
  • he clips his toenails during church
  • he announces bodily functions before and/or after bathroom visits
  • his neck is wider than his head...and hairier
  • in a bedroom situation he says, "you have to look closely." (hey, it's the 90s)

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Airport List of the Day

We have all heard stories about hang ups at the security line at airports. Here is a list of things you should not have on your person particularly if you are in a rush to get through security:
  1. Lighter (it will be confiscated)
  2. Finger nail clippers (although I believe you might actually be able to carry these now)
  3. Pocket knife (you can always mail it to yourself as a way of keeping the knife and not giving it up at the security counter)
  4. Metal coffee mug (liquid is not placed through the x-ray machine so you must find other means to carry your beverage)

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Timemachine List of the Day

Everyone knows you can be cool by using non-American English words, like Loo, Cheereo, Roundabout and Tea. But during list week we're pulling out all the stops and giving you cool American English words and phrases that haven't been used since the 30's!
  • Ackamarackus: Nonsense
  • Clip joint: A bar that charges outrageously high prices (I suggest using this term for gas stations)
  • Ripple: Ice cream with a colorful syrup stirred in, making it look rippled
  • Trafficator: What some 1930s cars used instead of blinkers--"arms" on either side of the car that could be raised to indicate the car was about to turn. Much more fun than yelling "nice blinker!" to inconsiderate drivers.
  • Gruntled: Happy. Get it? Take the dis- off disgruntled.
  • Sperette: A smaller supermarket, completely unlike Wal-Mart, more like Speedway.
  • Glamour boy: Like a pretty boy, but more masculine. I guess like a metrosexual.
  • Gaff: A building or house
  • Pen-friend: What "friends" on MySpace used to be called before we called them pen-pals.
  • Infanticipate: Preganant or expecting; anticipating an infant.
  • Shy-making: Embarrassing
  • Balls-up: Messed up, ruined, confused or disordered
  • Gravel: Sugar
  • Candy Leg: A rich and popular young man
  • Melon: A financial windfall
  • Barnburner: A riotous party
Thanks Uncle John

Monday, May 01, 2006

Spoonerism List of the Day

First of all, let's clarify what a spoonerism is, thanks to our friends at Urban Dictionary. Now that we have that cleared up, here are some phrases you should not EVER spoonerize. Again, as we begin another List Week remember to please add to this list.
  • Fitted my tux
  • Dear old queen
  • Fuddrucker's
  • Deb Wicks (a good friend, until I spoonerized)
  • Full of luck
  • Good day
  • Bad glitch
  • Bit by a shark
  • Rum and Coke