Mixing Helpfulness and Humor Since 2005

Thursday, August 31, 2006

Energy Conservation Tip of the Day

So apparently, cities are looking for ways to conserve electricity during the worst of the heat wave. Here's some easy ways you can help:

10.) Turning off the lava lamp during the day.

9.) Spending more time driving around in your car with the A/C cranked and less inside on the couch.

8.) Cutting back on foods that require energy to prepare (Ramen, Hot Pockets) and eating more that come ready to eat (Doritos, beef jerky, gummi worms).

7.) Waiting until off-peak hours before charging the anti-grav coils on your flying car.

6.) Only TiVo-ing Gilligan's Island reruns twice a week.

5.) Keeping the dial on your weather machine set to "Typhoon" or lower.

4.) Only leaving the TV on when you are actually in the house.

3.) Disabling the laser array that scans your backyard for intruders.

2.) Turning off your third refrigerator, the one you use to keep your pillows cool.

1.) Watching Sportscenter on mute.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Nickname Tip of the Day

Just because its widely used, don't mean that your Honey will like the nickname you've picked out for him/her. They may have some sort of aversion to it. Other names, like "Pumpkin Pie Face" are not widely used for good reason.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Cat Tip of the Day

Stuff On My Cat will only accept pictures of stuff on cats, not any other pets. Lobsters, for example.

Monday, August 28, 2006

Bahamas Tip of the Day

Citrus juice seems to amplify the effects of the sun on the human body. Put a little lime juice in your hair and go out in the sun to make it lighter (Sun + Hair = Lighter). Or put it on your skin or hands to get a darker tan or a reverse Michael Jackson effect (Sun + Skin = Darker).

Thanks for this tip goes out to Diddy and his dermatologist.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Lightning Tip of the Day

If you know it's going to thunder really bad you may want to unplug your computer and all important electronic devices until the storm passes or you may end up with a blown out tv and ethernet card, a monitor with pixel discoloration, a dysfunctional garage door, and a shot intercom system to file on an insurance claim. Those surge protectors are there for a reason.

Side note: Although not electrical also worthy of notice was my neighbors blown up chimney that caused the fire department to arrive with spectators.

Saturday, August 26, 2006

Finger Replacement Tip of the Day

If you drive like me, a lot of the senseless drivers or slow-pokes anonymous really tend to pi$$ you off. Yet it's generally inappropriate to flip the bird, even if you were cut-off, rear-ended, jack-knifed, mooned or marooned. And the use of the horn is sadly frowned upon in the States. Now, I've always said there's a good reason why I don't have the Christian Ichthus Fish on my car. I don't want all of America to think that Christians are mean drivers like myself. But, as a "bird-alternative," I've developed the patented "Road Rage Hand Signal." It gives you all the satisfaction of flipping someone off, but without the "f" word that's associated with it. Here's how it works. Raise your right hand like you're about to karate chop something in front of you. Clench your teeth. Chop the snot out of that person with one insulting gesture. The result? You'll feel as though you've put them in their place. They will feel put in their place, yet not told "f-you." Everyone's happy. It's the polite way to vent your road rage. And, it will probably end up making you laugh.

Friday, August 25, 2006

Perspective Tip of the Day

Have you been at someone's house for dinner, and the host serves something particularly unappetizing? The polite course of action is to eat up (and maybe even ask for seconds), secure in the knowledge that things could be much, much worse.

Unless your host actually serves fried sea slugs. It doesn't get much worse than that...

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Fish Tip of the Day

If you've verbally manipulated like 8 people into swimming in the 60-degree New Jersey ocean, it's generally NOT a good idea to loudly announce that you've seen the hugest fish known to mankind swimming right past your feet, screaming like a school girl and flailing your arms and legs like a cotton-headed-ninny-muggins. I can almost assure you that most people coaxed into such a swimming venture will promptly exit the frigid water, especially if they are of the fairer sex, yet not brutes, gothtards or have cankles.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Vomit Tip of the Day

Dog vomit is slightly different than human vomit. While it still looks mealy and half-digested, did you know dog vomit comes out and is COLD? It's also easier to scrape off of your car seat if it's dried a little bit. I recommend a solution of non-bleaching disinfecting cleaner with warm water and an old rag.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Road Rash Tip of the Day

If you have a heinous case of road rash on your left elbow, remind yourself not to lock your door with your arm like you might normally do.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Gas Tip of the Day

If you need some gas, looks like pump #5 is having its own little sale on the corner of Liberty and New Circle:



P.S. Don't forget to unplug before driving off!
Thanks Jen

Sunday, August 20, 2006

eBay Tip of the Day

If you're selling a computer on eBay, there are a few practical things you can (and should) do before you ship the computer to the buyer. Here are a few.
  • Turn off the computer prior to shipping.
  • Erase your pornographic photos that constantly fade in and out on your desktop.
  • If you have said photos on your computer, do the buyer a favor and Lysol™ the computer off first. Gross.
  • Delete sensitive documents off the computer.
  • Heck, delete your whole user, and all of your personal files off of the computer.
  • Make sure you've made sure you're sending the right computer. If your eBay ad says iBook, 800MHz G4 with 640MB of RAM, make sure you don't "accidentally" send a computer that's a G3 with only 128 MB of RAM. Tool.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Private Island Tip of the Day

You want a private island? But don't know where to look. (Those free Housing guides just don't have a large island section) How about a Lighthouse? Well thanks to the US Government, and the relatively unknown "Office of Property Disposal" You can pick up an atoll that used to be a military based and chemical and nuclear storage area

"Property Disposal" just kind of makes it sounds like trash, but I guess in this case the atoll is filled with nuclear waste.

Friday, August 18, 2006

Driving Tip of the Day X

Jen & Pete actually saw this happen before our very eyes:


To avoid being rude, I didn't take a picture of the driver with it still stuck in her car, but this is what it looks like:



Oh, and as a side tip, the safety breakaway, breaks off nice and clean but it doesn't snap back in to place. I think its mainly to make sure the offender is humiliated, there is no covering your tracks here, hoping no one noticed.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Driving Tip of the Day IX


Yes, her helmet is on backwards.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Driving Tip of the Day VIII

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Driving Tip of the Day VII

Monday, August 14, 2006

Driving Tip of the Day VI

Similar to Tuesday's Tip, but definitely falls along the lines of "how did you manage to do that?

Sunday, August 13, 2006

MP3 Tip of the Day

Every once in a while, or twice in a while if this type of thing is included in your job description, you may have an audio file that needs to be distributed. The question is always raised, what setting should I use? How good is good enough? (I think my spelling works that way). A big trick is, for spoken word, it is almost never mixed in stereo and it has a much smaller dynamic range then music, so you can make it a mono track at a good small bit rate. Music is a little bit more complex (especially in the dynamic range department) and alot of times it takes advantage of the left and right channels that stereo offers. So the quick breakdown is:
  • For Spoken Word: 32 kbps mono
  • For Music: 128 kbps Stereo (64 kbps per channel)

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Son List of the Day

We'll take a break from our driving tips for the weekend to give you another one of those silly emails that gets passed around the internet. And since we we can, we threw in a little extra TodD spice:

Things you will learn when you have sons (or spend alot of time around Jay):
  1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
  2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
  3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
  4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape.
  5. However, just throwing underwear at Ceiling fans can be a load of fun
  6. Furthermore, you should not throw baseballs at the ceiling fan.
  7. The glass in windows doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
  8. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
  9. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
  10. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
  11. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
  12. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
  13. They call Super glue, "super" for a reason.
  14. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
  15. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
  16. VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. (Sorry dad)
  17. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
  18. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
  19. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
  20. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
  21. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
  22. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
  23. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
  24. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Driving Tip of the Day V

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Driving Tip of the Day IV

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Driving Tip of the Day III

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Driving Tip of the Day II

Monday, August 07, 2006

Driving Tip of the Day I

This week, we bring you a very special series: "What Not To Do On the Road." It's represented entirely visually; these photos should speak for themselves. So, the following 10 tips will show you another's misfortune, in hopes that you'll avoid this. In tenth place:


[Ed Note: These are from one of those silly emails that gets passed around.]

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Shopping Tip of the Day II

Additionally, should you pass ANOTHER outlet mall that's only 30 miles from home and think, "I wonder if they have the store I'm looking for," and then say, "Surely not..." you should probably do yourself a favor and pull off and check. Because you'll find that the closest Van Heusen outlet isn't 100 miles away; it's just 30™.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Shopping Tip of the Day

If you're venturing nearly 100 miles for a shopping trip because it will potentially save you money from buying the product at a department store, it's a good idea to check what time the store closes. I know, most retail stores are open at least until 9:00, especially on a Friday night. But, Van Heusen, you may find, closes at 8:00. Which means, you could have made a 100-mile trip to the outlets only to eat at Wendy's. :-(

Friday, August 04, 2006

Morning Tip of the Day

Zzzzzz, beep-beep-beep-beep, beep-beep-beep-beep.

Ok, ok I'm awake. But still moving at glacial speed. I've got to get moving, cause it really shouldn't take me 30 minutes to take a shower first thing in the morning, ok ok, 25 if I'm trying to go fast but its just so hard since I'm only awake enough to stand up. So what I've started to do to get going is a couple push-up and sittups and now my blood is flowing and I can get out the door a couple minutes earlier, or even better, set the alarm for a couple minutes later!

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Credit Tip of the Day

I have always heard that if you are denied credit when someone checks your credit report, you're entitled to a free copy of the report. But did you know that you're entitled to a free copy your credit report each year? And, one from each of the three credit bureaus? The Federal Trade Commission has mandated that since sensitive data is being maintained on you, you have the right to know what's in there without being charged for it. But, if you go to the credit bureaus sites, they'll stop at nothing to charge you for your free report. So, if you'd like a free copy of your report, visit the FTC's site here and follow the links for obtaining your free copy. I did it yesterday and it took about 5 minutes. Since you're entitled to a copy from each of the three bureaus, you can actually get a free credit report quarterly if you choose only one at a time!

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Casino Tip of the Day

Apparently, the state of New Jersey enjoys creating casinos that my beautiful girlfriend refers to as "Chuckie Cheese for Adults." Rather than gamble your money away with the hopes of cold hard cash, you crank away at the nickel slots for the chance to redeem your tokens for kitchy, overpriced nick-nacks like a 3 million token $80 boom box, or a 450,000 token Steelers towel. So, if you're in one of these heinously seizure-inducing places with a Grandma whose won nearly 9,000 tokens, you may think you'll get a great prize. But, you'll probably only have a prize with about an $8 value. So, do what my brother did and say this: "I'll take the at-home casino game, and give me the rest in dog poop." You'll leave with about 3 pieces of fake poo, each worth 450 points!

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Papercut Tip of the Day

A couple of things that really hurt and you wouldn't expect to ever get paper-cutted by: Large cardboard boxes, Yogurt Containers, Blister-sealed packages. Ouch.