Personal Space Tip of the Day

You're standing in line. The person behind you feels that if there is more than half an inch between you that the place in line will get stolen. This perfect stranger is standing so close to you that you can tell that he's a smoker, likes onions, and doesn't believe in deodorant. Your personal space bubble is about to pop. You glance behind you to make sure that it's not an inanimate object that doesn't know better. Nope, it's a real person who apparently was never taught to give people a little breathing room. Here's what you do to make him back off.

• Continually look back with the evil eye. Maybe he'll pick up the hint.
  
• Start rocking back and forth. You might "accidentally" bump him, causing him to take a step back.
• Use your purse or luggage to create a natural barrier. Swinging these are helpful.
  
• Start telling a story using gestures, the more erratic the movement, the better. Think large arm movements.
  
• If all else fails, start acting a bit crazy - talk to yourself, starting dancing in place, make a random scream every now and then.
  

Lame Tips of the Day

So "The Nest", a magazine given to people who registered for TheKnot.com while they were planning their wedding, looks interesting on the cover, but always proves to be less then so once you really read the articles. For example, they have an article about how to "fake a fabulous party". Take a gander at these lame "tips" and our commentary:

• "Buy French fries from your favorite take-out place just before the party" - Yum, everyone likes cold limp French fries. Serious, the slow eaters of the world know that they should eat their fries before their burger aka. while they are still good.
• "Buy freshly made cookies from a bakery…and, yes, say you baked them yourself" - All your fiends love a little dishonesty for dessert. Want to make them really excited about cookie, rip open a bag of Oreos, and have plenty of milk on hand!
• "Use store-bought Caesar salad dressing instead of making it yourself" - That's not a tip, that's what 99% of party planners do anyway. The real tip: put it in a gravy boat so it actually looks like you are pretending to make your own. Then tell all your friends what you did, it will make for a great laugh.
• "Use 20 onces of forzen winter squash in lieu of fresh squash" - Now that is a tip! I didn't even know you could buy frozen squash, but I guess it makes sense, you can buy frozen anything.

How about this idea? Have a party where your friends will feel welcome and can be themselves and not have to put up a front to try to impress everyone else there. A time where friends can be friends, where you can laugh and chat and remember what a blessing you are all to each other. Now that is a fabulous party!

RSVP Tip of the Day

RSVP are the initials for répondez, s'il vous plaît, which means "please reply." This includes both "Yes, I'd be glad to be there" and "No way would I ever be caught dead at your party." This makes it easier for the host to know how much food will be needed, how many places to set, etc. It's just polite...do it!

Itemize Tip of the Day

Tipping at restaurants is incorrectly called "gratuity." Gratuity implies you are GRATEFUL for your service, not obligated to leave an obligatorily obligatory 15%. Sometimes you want to leave more if your server does a good job, but often you'd prefer to leave less, but want to avoid being, "that guy". So, I'd like to introduce a new concept known as "Tip Itemization." On the little tip line on your bill, break down your tip to show how good or bad the service was, and what, specifically you're leaving money for. Example, on a good server:

Amount: $15.75
Tip:$2.25
For bringing refills quickly: $1.00
For being pleasant: $0.75

For a bad server:

Amount: $15.75
Obligatory Tip: $2.25
Refills: $0.00
Pleasantness: $0.00
Order accuracy: $0.00

That'll show 'em! If they're good, they'll get a kick out of you recognizing them. If they're bad, well, maybe they'll do better next time.

Eating Tip of the Day

Do not try to pass a piece of meat in between a knife and fork, instead stab the meat with your fork to hand to the person across the table, otherwise gravity may pull it down and it will fall into your neighbors wine.

-Elissa

Travel to Europe Part V

Here are some miscellaneous tips for traveling:

• Don't lean back in your chair in coach, especially on long flights. It cramps the poor person behind you who is cursing at you under her breath. These seats weren't really made for reclining. That extra 1.5 inches you gain feels like 12 ft lost to the person behind you. Be kind, don't recline.
• Fanny packs should be neutral colors (tip by Clarissa). Fanny packs are very useful while traveling. If you are going to forgo fashion for the sake of convenience, at least choose a color that does not make you stand out, like black, brown, beige, etc.
  
• Be prepared to pay for the use of a bathroom. Most of the time you can get away with finding a free one, but sometimes you must pay the piper. Hence, the quote, "I feel like I should stay in here until I have to go again."
• If you decide to go on a military post while overseas, prepare to spend the rest of your life there. They need your passport, DNA, blood analysis, 5 references, 7 forms filled in triplicate, your genealogy to the fourth generation, and the pledge of your first born. It's probably not worth the time and energy.
  

Travel to Europe Part II

You're in Europe, cruising the autobahns and roadways. You see zero cops and think, "Hey, you only live once." Don't succumb to temptation. There is video surveillance throughout Europe and you may receive a hefty ticket a couple months later.

Also, if someone is following you, don't go 100 mph. It's hard to follow, especially in the rain and the dark. An indication that you might be going to fast is when the front seat passenger puts on her sunglasses (at night) to keep herself from getting too scared.

Neighbor Tip of the Day

Before you perform a ridiculous action like the one I'm about to describe, or one even more ridiculous, do yourself a favor and look all around to be sure there are no neighbors watching. Otherwise when one greets you AFTER the ridiculous performance, you'll not only be scared, you'll be morbidly embarrassed. Here's an example of such a scene:

EXT. JASON'S HOUSE -- DAY

JASON has just caught a mouse, and disposed of the body in an all-purpose Wal-Mart bag. Carrying the bag as if it contained 3 tons of nuclear waste, JASON attempts to open the outside TRASH CAN without breathing. He drops the bag in the can, and realizes tomorrow is trash day, so decides to wheel the can to the curb.

The can gets wrapped around his HOSE and nearly tips, and nearly yanks the house out of the wall.

JASON (under breath)
&$%@!
JASON continues to wheel the can toward the curb, only to almost step in dog doo, which is NOT from his dog (as his leash prevents him walking in this area.)

JASON (under breath)
&$%@ *$%#!
Gently avoiding the multiple landmines, JASON then begins to lose control of the unwieldy trash can and it nearly tips over to the front. Performing a pseudo-dancing-with-the-stars / ju-jitsu maneuver, JASON saves the can and looks MOSTLY all around to make sure no one notices. He's clear.

JASON shakes his head while prancing to the door.

NEIGHBOR watches, unseen on porch directly next to JASON'S.

NEIGHBOR
Good morning.
JASON
Eh... How's it going? (slams door)

Tact Tip of the Day

The old adage, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" is true. If someone asks, tell them, but if they don't ask for your negative opinion, just keep it to yourself.

Here are some real life examples of what not to say:

• You don't exercise much?
• What's up with your hair?...I don't like it.
• I like your hair better the other way.
• Do you have a cold? Is that why your nose is red?

Exceptions:

• there is something hanging from someone's face or clothing
• mullets (they deserve what they get)
  
• mustaches (ditto)
  

DooDoo Tip of the Day

If you're shooting video at any place with the name "Horse Park" in it, chances are there are going to be not only horses, but dogs. And when you have lots of horses and dogs, there's bound to be a lot of dookie lying around. So, be careful and look before you sit.

Otherwise, you'll end up doing what I did and sit in s*it.

If you do happen to do this, don't immediately try to pull your pants around to survey the damage, or else you'll end up with it on your hands too, and have nowhere to wash them.

And then, you'll probably end up seeing someone you haven't seen in a long time, and awkwardly avoid shaking hands with them.

Little Kid Tip of the Day

If your little kid neighbor attempts to pull you over when you pull into your driveway, and pretends to arrest you and tell you to go to jail, you don't really have to go. He's not really an officer of the law. But if you do want to play along, tell him you first get to make your one phone call. That'll give you enough time to get inside and he'll think you're playing along.

TP Tip of the Day

According to Rosie, you can't use just one...sheet of toilet paper as Sheryl Crowe believes.

Scuba Tip of the Day V

A cowboy proverb says: "As a horse knows not the height of a rider on his back, so a scuba diver knows not how big he is in scuba gear." The proverb is true, y'all. If you are already a big guy (who likes to insult girls who eat muffins), adding a large tank, fins, snorkels and other apparatus, you become REALLY big underwater. So when practicing in a confined pool area, don't be "all up in peoples' grills" like you own the place. It's just rude. And annoying.

Scuba List of the Day IV

It is very important to have a good buddy when you are scuba diving!!! What do good buddies look like? First, they remember the numerous acronyms like BWRAF and SORTD. Second, they can read and understand the complicated dive tables. Third, they remember the hand signals. Fourth, they don't try to pull off your mask or fins and protect you from those who will try such shenanigans. Fifth, they have a good understand of personal space. This keeps them from invading your space and from destroying marine life.

Scuba Tip of the Day I

When scuba diving, you'll encounter many an odd-fellow who will awkwardly chide on about how he took an overweight girl on a first date, told her she wasn't allowed to order herself a muffin and only share his because it was $4, then proceed to tell her she needs to go on SlimFast. In such an event, you should keenly follow rule #2 in scuba diving: always dive with a buddy. Why dive with a buddy? According to the PADI diving manual, it promotes safety and fun, but according to me and A-Ger, it also promotes a great way to ward off joke-cracking jackers who will try to steal your mask and fins and invade your personal space. If you're diving using the buddy system (which you may have thought expired after Kindergarten) you'll know to punch people like this in the face at the sign of impending attack.

Women-Word Tips of the Week

This week the publishers of Pete & Jay's TodD bring you a delightful series: "Words Not to Call Girls." The following five tips will be simply one word apiece, each a word you should never use when referring to a woman. Now, you'll probably notice that it's perfectly acceptable, in fact, possibly complimentary, to use these words to refer to a man. But, the same sentiment is NOT portrayed to any woman. So erase these words from your feminine vernacular. You'll be glad you did. What does happen, we've noted, is that if you use one of these words to a woman, they will turn into the word you use. For example, try using Wednesday's word to a girl. She'll become one.

Words Not to Call Women I:

"Brute"

Words Not to Call Women II
Words Not to Call Women III
Words Not to Call Women IV
Words Not to Call Women V

Teletiquette Tip of the Day

Make sure you hit the button below "silent" and not any other number on a cell phone when deciding not to answer it after screening your call--whether it be because you're in the middle of a call on your work phone, you're in a situation in which you can't answer it and you should've had the ringer off, or you just simply don't feel like chatting. I once found out the hard way that often times if you hit just about any other button on a cell phone than the "silent" one, you end up answering the phone. Another smart thing is to never make any commentary about anything mildly embarrassing or incriminating if you are lackadaisical with your thumbs and are likely to hit the wrong button.

Etiquette Tip of The Day

When you arrive home at an hour when roommates still might be sleeping (11:00am on a Sunday, particularly), and there are houseguests in town, never assume that everyone's up and the security system is off--make sure you press "off" on the security system remote before you open any exterior door (two quick beeps is better then 10-12 longer alarm-type ones). Also, NEVER have cold groceries with you in this situation. You might be fortunate if the houseguest in the adjacent living room is a hard sleeper--you might just be able to get all of the cold items in the fridge. But you're out of luck if the kitchen sink decides to back up when you're getting rid of old milk when you're making room for the new. Then the big question arises--do you wake them up with the disposal, or do you let them slowly wake up to the smell of sour milk? I assure you, just follow the tip--no groceries on weekends before 2pm, and get that alarm turned off before you wake up the neighborhood.