Evil Scuba-ers Tip of the Day

Do you know someone who suddenly took up an interest in scuba with little or no warning? Be careful! They could be terrorists!

Here are some signs the FBI says to look out for:
- Desire to learn how to swim in murky water
- How to swim up pipes
- How to be towed while in the water
- Pays for lessons in cash
- Declines to give personal information
- Writes amusing quotes in a little notebook

Scuba Tip of the Day VIII

While scuba diving, you are using muscles in ways they are not accustomed. This can lead to the dreaded leg cramp. To avoid this, eat a banana and make sure you have a proper electrolyte balance. Also, try stretching before your deep sea adventure. If you still get a cramp, try straightening out the muscle by grabbing your fin and pulling towards you. You may need to get your buddy to assist you.

Scuba Tip of the Day VII

The main thing you'll learn from scuba divers is that you probably don't want to marry them. At least if you want a happy marriage. Turns out in a small cross-sampling of scuba divers, one was married for eleven months and realized it wouldn't work out, another was married for 23 years, but "it was a blessing when it was over..." Sad.

Scuba Tip of the Day VI

You learn lots of things from crazy scuba diving folks. (Must be the nitrogen narcosis.) One thing you may learn is: if you go to a Hooter's in New Orleans, the girls will probably give you their number. (Do with this what you will.) And also, even though scuba divers often see each other in skimpy swim wear, many would "have to be paid a lot of money to sit there nekkked" when asked if they'd ever be a nude model for artists.

Scuba Tip of the Day V

A cowboy proverb says: "As a horse knows not the height of a rider on his back, so a scuba diver knows not how big he is in scuba gear." The proverb is true, y'all. If you are already a big guy (who likes to insult girls who eat muffins), adding a large tank, fins, snorkels and other apparatus, you become REALLY big underwater. So when practicing in a confined pool area, don't be "all up in peoples' grills" like you own the place. It's just rude. And annoying.

Scuba List of the Day IV

It is very important to have a good buddy when you are scuba diving!!! What do good buddies look like? First, they remember the numerous acronyms like BWRAF and SORTD. Second, they can read and understand the complicated dive tables. Third, they remember the hand signals. Fourth, they don't try to pull off your mask or fins and protect you from those who will try such shenanigans. Fifth, they have a good understand of personal space. This keeps them from invading your space and from destroying marine life.

Scuba List of the Day III

It's important in scuba to know a little sign language, obviously, because you can't talk. And they do make underwater tablets that work in water, but if you're with Amanda, she's probably filling it up with quotes for her quote board! So, you should probably learn the following things to sign prior to scuba diving:

• I'm out of air
• I really, really have to pee.
• Can I pee in my wet suit?
• Is there a bathroom underwater?
• Some jacker just took off my face mask; I can't see; and I just realized I'll have no way of watching you respond
• A shark just ate my fin
• The fact that the shark just ate my fin is actually the least of my/our worries.
• Do I look fat in my non-black wetsuit?

Also important to note: in scuba diving, the "thumbs up" signal does NOT mean "cool!" "awesome!" or even "all's well!" It actually means "ABORT THE DIVE AND SWIM AS FAST AS YOU CAN TO THE SURFACE!" So, be careful not to get too excited underwater.

Scuba Tip of the Day II

When you're clearing your mask for the first time underwater, it's a good idea to be in the shallow end. Then, when you freak out because you breathed in about a half gallon of water through your nose, you can just stand up.

Scuba Tip of the Day I

When scuba diving, you'll encounter many an odd-fellow who will awkwardly chide on about how he took an overweight girl on a first date, told her she wasn't allowed to order herself a muffin and only share his because it was $4, then proceed to tell her she needs to go on SlimFast. In such an event, you should keenly follow rule #2 in scuba diving: always dive with a buddy. Why dive with a buddy? According to the PADI diving manual, it promotes safety and fun, but according to me and A-Ger, it also promotes a great way to ward off joke-cracking jackers who will try to steal your mask and fins and invade your personal space. If you're diving using the buddy system (which you may have thought expired after Kindergarten) you'll know to punch people like this in the face at the sign of impending attack.