Mixing Helpfulness and Humor Since 2005

Friday, July 08, 2005

Marriagability Tip of the Day

Once upon a time, in a land not so very far from here, I went to a party. A gaggle of women were throwing a surprise party for a bachelor friend, which gave them (us, I guess) ample license to invade his house early and critique his decor. This young man had a living room of garage sale furniture. It certainly wasn't pretty, but you could sit, you could watch T.V., you could put drinks on the coffee table with nary a concern for coasters and there weren't any neon beer signs on the wall, so what's the big deal?

These ladies all had the same comment to make: "He needs a wife." Now, the strange part is that this guy had a neighbor a few doors down (also a bachelor) with similar decor, and I had been in his house a few a months prior when someone else said exactly the same thing: "He needs a wife." Kids, that is stupid. The ability to decorate is not interuteran. There is no gender-specific DNA that affords married women artistic superpowers (although I hear they do get capes).

Here's my tip: if you, a male or female bachelor, live in one of those khaki-colored homes with that itchy brown aztec-printed couch, faux wood entertainment center, crooked halogen lamp in the corner, and knicked coffee table complete with water-stained wood veneer, do not accept the shame that some will try to give you. Hold your head high. Your home is not ugly because you have no wife; it is ugly because you bought bad furniture. If you don't like it, fix it. If it doesn't bother you, keep it. If wives were really the ultimate decorating solution, they'd be for sale at Home Depot with the cinderblocks and grills.

There, now. Feel better? Take up thy yaffa block end table and walk!

9 Comments:

Blogger Jay said...

"The ability to decorate is not interuteran." That is hilarious! "Your home is not ugly because you have no wife' it is ugly because you bought bad furniture." That is ALSO hilarious. But my favorite: "if wives were really the ultimate decorating solution, they'd be for sale at Home Despot with the cinderblocks and grills." I'm glad to know there's a chance for males' dwelling places :-)

08 July, 2005 09:00

 
Blogger vander said...

Yay, three points for hilarity! I aim to please. I was personally fond of the "take up thy yaffa block end table" part. Either way, stand tall, friends.

08 July, 2005 09:12

 
Blogger JCo said...

Ditto on the Home Depot comment. Vander Molen - you never cease to amaze me with your wit! :-)

08 July, 2005 11:04

 
Blogger Pete said...

"if wives were really the ultimate decorating solution, they'd be for sale at Home Despot with the cinderblocks and grills."

Hum, its actually not that far from the truth

(Thanks to StephChurch for pointing this out initially)

08 July, 2005 11:36

 
Blogger vander said...

So apparently wives ARE available at the Home Depot with the cinderblocks and grills. Color me unaware. They are NOT, however, at Big Lots leaning against the $29.99 black-lacquered, gold-trimmed coffee table set to ward off bachelor buyers with "No, no, my son. This is not what you want. You shall say no to particle board furniture and yes to matrimony..." So the use of the wife as protective treatment against bad decorating taste still doesn't work.

08 July, 2005 12:03

 
Blogger Stephanie said...

Vander Molen, you crack me up! I saw this in the queue a few weeks ago and got my initial laugh. Thanks for the additional giggle this morning.

About the "knicked coffee table complete with water-stained wood veneer." You have to admit there is a bit of nostalgia to these pieces. Years later, you might be siting down on the same couch that was always paired with the legendary coffee table--maybe in a house with hung pictures this time instead of a white apartment-box with thin walls and ceiling, with a five-foot-tall cardboard advertisement in the corner for Kirsten Dunst's "Bring it On" propped in the corner.

Suddenly, as you sit in the old familiar seat, you have all sorts of crazy, fun memories flood back and you can almost see your adidas-athletic-flip-flop-adorned feet propped up on this very same table as you watched SNL or some overplayed movie like Top Gun, and joked about this, that, and the other, while sipping kahlua-laced coffee. Now, years later, these horizontal surfaces might not be placed because of their sentimental value or because they don't require coasters...they might be still around because your friends now have ankle-biters crawling around. You watch the little-kid versions of your married friends as they're denting the tabletop with a purple plastic "Wiggles" microphone and chewing on the table legs. And even while you might have a newfound grown-up addiction to Broyhill cherry furniture sans kid-teeth marks, it's then you realize your friends are not only thrifty, they're just downright smart.

08 July, 2005 15:22

 
Blogger The Keiser said...

You're right, vander molen. We can actually have a decently funrished apartment. I think half the problem is thriftiness and the other half laziness. We think we have to jump directly from the Big Lots coat rack made of leftover pretzels held together with chewing gum to the Broyhill cherry. But as I've learned watching my own sister, quality can be had at a fair price, it just takes patience and a little effort to find. Boys, we're going shopping.

08 July, 2005 16:15

 
Blogger Pete said...

LOL everyone. Great comments today.

We are soon to be proud owners of non-Yaffa block end tables. Although I do say, it is nice not having to use coasters.

Do you think a stack of pizza boxes make for good decorations? How about empty Ale-8s?

08 July, 2005 16:52

 
Blogger vander said...

Keiser, your initiative makes me proud. Not that I own any Broyhill cherry furniture, but I would like to add that, in retrospect, buying weird junk at thrift stores (weird junk is not the same as crap, mind you) and making it look cool is a thousand times more fun than going to a new furniture store and buying stuff that you're afraid to knick or spill on. Be not afraid to invest in strange pieces and then rub a little funk on them. If there was a phrase that meant the same thing as "think outside the box" without actually using that phrase, because I hate it, I would put it here.

Decorating maven out.

08 July, 2005 16:57

 

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