Marriagability Tip of the Day
Once upon a time, in a land not so very far from here, I went to a party. A gaggle of women were throwing a surprise party for a bachelor friend, which gave them (us, I guess) ample license to invade his house early and critique his decor. This young man had a living room of garage sale furniture. It certainly wasn't pretty, but you could sit, you could watch T.V., you could put drinks on the coffee table with nary a concern for coasters and there weren't any neon beer signs on the wall, so what's the big deal?
These ladies all had the same comment to make: "He needs a wife." Now, the strange part is that this guy had a neighbor a few doors down (also a bachelor) with similar decor, and I had been in his house a few a months prior when someone else said exactly the same thing: "He needs a wife." Kids, that is stupid. The ability to decorate is not interuteran. There is no gender-specific DNA that affords married women artistic superpowers (although I hear they do get capes).
Here's my tip: if you, a male or female bachelor, live in one of those khaki-colored homes with that itchy brown aztec-printed couch, faux wood entertainment center, crooked halogen lamp in the corner, and knicked coffee table complete with water-stained wood veneer, do not accept the shame that some will try to give you. Hold your head high. Your home is not ugly because you have no wife; it is ugly because you bought bad furniture. If you don't like it, fix it. If it doesn't bother you, keep it. If wives were really the ultimate decorating solution, they'd be for sale at Home Depot with the cinderblocks and grills.
There, now. Feel better? Take up thy yaffa block end table and walk!
These ladies all had the same comment to make: "He needs a wife." Now, the strange part is that this guy had a neighbor a few doors down (also a bachelor) with similar decor, and I had been in his house a few a months prior when someone else said exactly the same thing: "He needs a wife." Kids, that is stupid. The ability to decorate is not interuteran. There is no gender-specific DNA that affords married women artistic superpowers (although I hear they do get capes).
Here's my tip: if you, a male or female bachelor, live in one of those khaki-colored homes with that itchy brown aztec-printed couch, faux wood entertainment center, crooked halogen lamp in the corner, and knicked coffee table complete with water-stained wood veneer, do not accept the shame that some will try to give you. Hold your head high. Your home is not ugly because you have no wife; it is ugly because you bought bad furniture. If you don't like it, fix it. If it doesn't bother you, keep it. If wives were really the ultimate decorating solution, they'd be for sale at Home Depot with the cinderblocks and grills.
There, now. Feel better? Take up thy yaffa block end table and walk!
Comments
Hum, its actually not that far from the truth
(Thanks to StephChurch for pointing this out initially)
About the "knicked coffee table complete with water-stained wood veneer." You have to admit there is a bit of nostalgia to these pieces. Years later, you might be siting down on the same couch that was always paired with the legendary coffee table--maybe in a house with hung pictures this time instead of a white apartment-box with thin walls and ceiling, with a five-foot-tall cardboard advertisement in the corner for Kirsten Dunst's "Bring it On" propped in the corner.
Suddenly, as you sit in the old familiar seat, you have all sorts of crazy, fun memories flood back and you can almost see your adidas-athletic-flip-flop-adorned feet propped up on this very same table as you watched SNL or some overplayed movie like Top Gun, and joked about this, that, and the other, while sipping kahlua-laced coffee. Now, years later, these horizontal surfaces might not be placed because of their sentimental value or because they don't require coasters...they might be still around because your friends now have ankle-biters crawling around. You watch the little-kid versions of your married friends as they're denting the tabletop with a purple plastic "Wiggles" microphone and chewing on the table legs. And even while you might have a newfound grown-up addiction to Broyhill cherry furniture sans kid-teeth marks, it's then you realize your friends are not only thrifty, they're just downright smart.
We are soon to be proud owners of non-Yaffa block end tables. Although I do say, it is nice not having to use coasters.
Do you think a stack of pizza boxes make for good decorations? How about empty Ale-8s?
Decorating maven out.