Mixing Helpfulness and Humor Since 2005

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Neighbor Tip of the Day

Before you perform a ridiculous action like the one I'm about to describe, or one even more ridiculous, do yourself a favor and look all around to be sure there are no neighbors watching. Otherwise when one greets you AFTER the ridiculous performance, you'll not only be scared, you'll be morbidly embarrassed. Here's an example of such a scene:

EXT. JASON'S HOUSE -- DAY

JASON has just caught a mouse, and disposed of the body in an all-purpose Wal-Mart bag. Carrying the bag as if it contained 3 tons of nuclear waste, JASON attempts to open the outside TRASH CAN without breathing. He drops the bag in the can, and realizes tomorrow is trash day, so decides to wheel the can to the curb.

The can gets wrapped around his HOSE and nearly tips, and nearly yanks the house out of the wall.

JASON (under breath)
&$%@!

JASON continues to wheel the can toward the curb, only to almost step in dog doo, which is NOT from his dog (as his leash prevents him walking in this area.)

JASON (under breath)
&$%@ *$%#!

Gently avoiding the multiple landmines, JASON then begins to lose control of the unwieldy trash can and it nearly tips over to the front. Performing a pseudo-dancing-with-the-stars / ju-jitsu maneuver, JASON saves the can and looks MOSTLY all around to make sure no one notices. He's clear.

JASON shakes his head while prancing to the door.

NEIGHBOR watches, unseen on porch directly next to JASON'S.

NEIGHBOR
Good morning.

JASON
Eh... How's it going? (slams door)

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16 Comments:

Blogger Amanda said...

This needs to be a short film!

And, I thought you were going to work on your cussing :). I haven't been too successful either. Just Sunday (yes, the Lord's day), I told a friend to "Watch your own *$#& feet." So classy! I will say that I was joking, but still...

23 May, 2007 09:32

 
Blogger Blair said...

Did Jason say fornication under carnal knowledge?

23 May, 2007 14:26

 
Blogger Amanda said...

What are you talking about?

23 May, 2007 14:42

 
Blogger Blair said...

You know the F-bomb. I dont think he'd be censoring baby words.

23 May, 2007 14:51

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is vander. Stupid Googleblogger ate my password; whatevs, jerks.

Amanda, this is why I don't play with you kids anymore. Such potty mouths. But Jason, this reminds me of a similar front yard animal incident:

So there was a dead cat in my front yard, which is gross. Also it was white and reminded me of Dr. Evil's dog. Also it stank. Also there were flies. So I had to figure out how to squish it into the trash can for collection day...Also I had no shovel or any kind of appropriate scooping mechanism that would keep me away from (a) cats, which are gross even when alive if they are not one's own cat, and (b) the smell, which was atrocious and (c) carrion-seeking insects. Basically I had to mush a cardboard box and ungracefully slide it under the cat...only I couldn't lift it because that required an unappealing proximity to rotting cat...so I laid the trash can on its side and spent a good twenty minutes inching the stinky parcel toward the can. *Scoot, scoot, run away, inhale, hold breath, run back, scoot, scoot, run away*. It was like the Electric Slide of Death. (Hi Jules.)

23 May, 2007 16:02

 
Blogger Blair said...

And actually Amanda Saturday is the Sabbath day so dont feel to bad.

23 May, 2007 22:16

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

VM - I hear ya with the password thing. Mine has been lost and not by me and I must as well post anonymously. You know...it could actually be fun to comment anonymously, no?
~JCo

24 May, 2007 08:17

 
Blogger Amanda said...

Vander, I'm so glad you are back. I laughed out loud for your story...that's AWESOME!

24 May, 2007 08:46

 
Blogger Amanda said...

FYI - I censored a non-F-bomb word.

24 May, 2007 13:20

 
Blogger Jules said...

great story TVM. glad you're back, albeit anonymously.

24 May, 2007 14:22

 
Blogger Citizen Grim said...

Jason and Teresa, your stories were spectacular. Teresa's was especially inspiring. Particularly the electric slide line.

No worries Amanda, "the Lord's Day" is a Christian term that has always referred to Sunday. It is also generally accepted for a Christian to refer to Sunday as "Sabbath," since that is the traditional "day of rest." And as far as I know, it's perfectly acceptable to say "stinky feet," no matter what day of the week it is.

I personally think the words Jason censored were "oi, nutter!" "sod off!" and "bugger me!"

24 May, 2007 15:21

 
Blogger Jay said...

I have not engaged in any fornication, much less of the carnal variety.

24 May, 2007 15:58

 
Blogger Jay said...

andy's expletives were exactly right. How did you know that?

24 May, 2007 16:00

 
Blogger Blair said...

Amanda I know I shouldnt stereotype but I would expect lesser words from a girl.
Stinky needs to be censored? Wow.
Peter add it to our filter.

Andy on the seventh day of the week the Lord rested. Saturday is the seventh day of the week. While Southland does have services on Saturday I think churches have been misleading people with their traditions. So I have to believe that when the 10 commandments were laid out Saturday is the day in question.

24 May, 2007 17:34

 
Blogger Blair said...

Oh and Jason congrats on saving yourself for marriage. Your family would be proud. :)

24 May, 2007 19:22

 
Blogger Jay said...

btw, TVo, I love the word "Googleblogger" as one word. It's amazing. It's like something you'd eat at a seedy fast food joint.

25 May, 2007 01:09

 

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