Inlaw Tip of the Day
1. Find an overly-gabbing, self-glorifying nincompoop to talk to. By finding one such person, you yourself can avoid small-talk. Just smile, nod, and let the holiday tryptophan kick in.
2. Sidestep the "Booby Hug." Every family's got one. The "booby-hugger." The person who insists on hugging WAY too close. Turn a booby-hug into a side hug and avoid the awkward press.
3. Wait for the awkward in-law to determine the greeting. Will it be a hug? A hand-shake? A kiss? Let the person you're meeting determine it. Nothing's worse than going in for a hug when the person only wants a shake.
4. When in doubt, ask any older male relative about "the war."
5. On second thought, avoid "the war." Could be a sensitive subject. If someone brings up "the war" it's OK to talk about. If they don't, you shouldn't be the one to ask.
6. Prepare yourself for insolent reactions from the little ones. If you ever say to a child called Laird, "Laird, this is my girlfriend Christine! Isn't she pretty?" He just might say, "NOOOOO....." He doesn't mean it. Even if he socks her in the shoulder afterwards. He's just a silly little noofer. Honest.
7. Brace yourself for every form of stuffing known to man.
8. Brace yourself for a slam on every possible race, nationality, gender, religious creed, and/or sexual orientation.
9. You can spend at least 3 hours milling around talking to everyone in earshot about how good the food is. Great conversation starter.
10. For fun, make crap up and tell it to old people. Tell them you won the lottery. Tell them you use to be a mummer. Tell them you know how to ride a unicycle. If they ever call you out on it, just claim THEY'RE making crap up. They're too old.
11. Take scary pictures of yourself and send them to your roommate to wish her a happy holiday.