Marriagability Tip of the Day

A Magoffin County woman is accused of taking an older nursing home patient to her home and pulling a gun on the nursing home staff who tried to retrieve the man she says she wanted to marry. Full Story

I know some people think they are desperate to get married, but that story shows true desperation. This tips really has 2 tips. Tip 1 (The funny tip): While, everyone wants to be wanted, no one really wants to be literally kidnaped at gun point. Its just not cool and can land you in jail, which kind of limits how often you'll be able to see the person you kidnaped. Tip 2 (the real tip): It seems more often then not, that when you become content with who you are as a single person, and stop pretending like you are desperate is just about the time God chooses to bring the right person into your life.


Jules said…
I'm slightly afraid of Peter getting mad at me for this, because we often read each other the wrong way. But I believe strongly enough in this to say it. Peter, I'm NOT harping on your tip, I just have a correction from my point of view. And honestly, you might have meant this quite innocently, but I've heard a version of this in Christian circles too many times, and it's starting to grate on me because I don't believe it.

I've heard lots of Christian leaders (usually married) tell me (and a whole congregation) before that if I just would stop looking so hard for the right person and focus more on God and being content, then God will bring said person into my life at that point. I can't believe that our Christian leaders really think God is playing this game with us. I know a good deal of Christian single people who are not only NOT desperate, but also pretty content in their singleness--myself for example. I've actually been this way for years...and still in a state of singleness (there is a big difference between having a desire for marriage and being discontent with singleness, although they're often treated as the same). God did not magically bring a white knight into my life at some point in the past when he deemed my perspective to finally be in the right place. And I just can't believe that God is playing a game with me (with all of us), where I need to REALLY get my act together first, before the "right person" enters the scene. I've seen too many people only get their act together (perspective right, whatever you want to say) post-wedding date to believe this to be true; to believe that God is holding out on me. However, as much as I wanted to say all that, I don't want to take away from your point, Peter. That being (I think)--don't waste the amazing gift of singleness just to rush onto the next step. When you are married, you will look back in longing at your time as a single... and maybe wish for a portion of it back (I've had too many married people tell me they're jealous of my life to not believe this to be true). :) No regrets, people. Live every day for what it is. (Julie, stepping down off of soapbox.)
vander said…
Tag: I'm it. Peter, it was a nice sentiment, but Julie is right. You cannot earn love. You get it or don't. There are horrible happily-coupled people and wonderful un-coupled people. Plus, there's no biblical precedent for romance as a reward. People sometimes twist that whole Ruth-Boaz thing into one, but I think you only get to be the exception to the rule if you're establishing the Davidic line. (Dang it!)
Pete said…
You will have to forgive the fact that I wrote it in under 5 minutes and did not carefully way the theological implications of my exact word choices.

"I've heard lots of Christian leaders (usually married) tell me (and a whole congregation) before that if I just would stop looking so hard for the right person and focus more on God and being content, then God will bring said person into my life at that point."

Now, we could say that these stories are antidotal, but because it might have actually happened to them we can't really argue with it.

I find the use of "my" and "I" interesting.

"I can't believe that our Christian leaders really think God is playing this game with us."

Just because you are not desperate, doesn't mean you automatically get a white knight, I did not say that at all and never intended that to be the point. I am saying "don't be desperate", because that doesn't help anything. Being content is just so much better all around.

"You cannot earn love."

Like the person from our story tried to do by kidnaping.

My second tip ONLY is encouraging people not to be desperate. That DOES NOT help anything.

I DID NOT intend for it to be read as a formula, because we know that God doesn't work like that.

In college I had a joke theory: "I don't have a girl friend because I don't have black shoes" someone would say "I have black shoes, but don't have a girl friend" my response was "I'm not saying you automatically get a girlfriend because you have black shoes, but I think you have to have black shoes to be eligible" Now obviously that was a joke, but see the point I am trying to make. Just because elephants have tusks, and tusks are a body part doesn't' mean every body part is a tusk.

So, here is how it should more accurately read (which I am sure you can still find faults in):

Tip 2 (the real tip): It seems that more often God brings the right person into your life when you are not desperate, as opposed to being "desperate" (in quotes because real desperation is what this women did) and not content with who you are as a single person.
vander said…
So...what if you have black shoes but no elephant? Crap.

Point noted, Peter.
Pete said…
I'm not sure. I'm pretty sure there is a secret women society that makes those kinds of rules. I felt ahead of the game figuring out the no black shoes rule that resulted from a sponsorship deal with the leather industry. (Or at least that's my speculation)
Kris said…
I think at some point, we all need encouragement that we are at the point in our lives that we are suppose to be...if we are following God faithfully. Thanks for that, guys. And, I definately have black shoes, so does that rule follow for girls as well? Or is it that I need tusks?
Anonymous said…
Looks like I'm late to this party, but I would agree - I am happily, but discontendedly, single. I think one can be happy where they are, but hope for something else in the future.

Oooh, off topic, but speaking of somewhat discomforting cliches & theology & God's own discontent, read this article: It's incredible.

Anyways, I am happy being single - for the time being. After all, the dating life has had its share of annoyances, as well. (Although this may be an indictment of the girls in question, rather than dating itself.) But I also recognize that I am simply not designed to be single in the long run. I do not mean to imply that God "owes" me, but I don't think He would give me the desire for something if He didn't intend to fulfill that desire at some point. Still, I recognize that there are no guarantees here.

In the end, I don't think there's anything wrong with proactively keeping one's eye out for potential candidates.

With that in mind, if any of you know of anyone who might be interested in missions to Australia or Israel or Africa or something in the future, you just send her my way. ;) Not that I am, necessarily, but I might like to some day, and I don't want to drag someone along who says, "This 'adventure' nonsense wasn't part of the bargain!"


In other off-topicness, I'm pretty sure that I, too, am a descendant of King David. Or was it King Arthur?

One last bit of off-topicness- I kinda like this poem: It says "man" but I'm sure it's applicable to anyone.
CGrim said…
When you find someone you're not making a statement that this person is better for me than me than anyone else you're just commited to that person.

Well said.
Jules said…
that's right.. I am commenting on a tip that is over a year old. i hope someone finds it someday. :) don't ask me how i ended up all the way back here, but it was a treat to read it again. now married, i like hearing what single-Julie had to say. and i especially like reading what my then-acquaintence, now-husband had to say approximately one year before our wedding. :) now what the heck is this missions in Africa stuff? i hear they have BIG snakes there....

Pete said…
Heehe, I caught it Julie!

It sure is fun to look back and see how one wrote or thought before. I did that with my journal right after I got married. And I am often surprised by how my writing and thought process have evolved. That said I am still embarrassed about how that tip came across. And hate those kind of dang clich├ęs I inadvertently repeated. My current marriage advice I hate is that which assumes one never lived on their own.
Amanda said…
I saw it as well Jules, though I can't take full credit for looking through the TodD archives. I agree with your sentiments and feel the same way. But just for clarity's sake, you're saying that if I comment on here by saying I'm happily discontent, then I will find the guy I'm going to marry? Seems like a good formula...worked for you...;)

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