Mixing Helpfulness and Humor Since 2005

Saturday, February 03, 2007

Superbowl Tip of the Weekend

Superbowl Sunday is the one time of the year where you'll find non-sports-entusiasts like me and Teresa halfway kinda watching the tube. This is a tip for those of you, who like us, would rather do ANYTHING than spend 4 hours of your life watching football, but find it necessary to at least feign interest because of the social gathering. In fact, at the end of this tip, you'll look like a TRUE, DIE-HARD fan who spends every Sunday and Monday watching football. Here are a few things you should know:

  • Don't refer to the game as a "match" by saying "who's winning the match?" or "that's quite a match we've got going on here." Call it a "game" or a "bout." :-)

  • "Strikes" don't apply in football; only baseball, bowling and the California legal system. Similarly, things like "foul balls," "batters," "dugouts," and "pucks" aren't really often used in this sport.

  • Don't act too excited about watching Prince during the halftime show. That's just weird.

  • Don't act too excited about watching ANYTHING during the halftime show--people will be on to you that you don't like sports.

  • When people score in football, sometimes known as a "touchdown," for whatever reason, they get either 6 or 7 points. No one really knows why, but it's just the way it works. So don't be alarmed when the opposing team scores and suddenly the score goes up by a gazillion points. You'll really embarrass yourself if you say, "They gave them 6 points!"

  • While most people take bathroom breaks during commercials, you can take yours during the "match" itself. This will guarantee a freed-up bathroom (so take your time) and also means you get to miss some of the boredom.

  • Volunteer to help cook the burgers, brats or nachos. This will make you appear selfless, and also require you to watch less of the big game.

  • Contrary to popular belief, you can, and should, flush the toilet during halftime. The water companies can handle it.

  • Just because the timer only has 15 minutes left on it does NOT mean you're only 15 minutes away from the end of the game. In fact, it probably means you're about 3 hours away from the end of the game (if you're lucky.) In football, we've found they like to stop and start all the time. Again, no one knows why. So don't plan on "being outta there" in 15 minutes. Plan for the rest of your life.

  • Find out who's playing before-hand, so you don't make stupid remarks like, "what does CHI, or IND mean?"

  • There's a superimposed line on the field. That's done in TV magic, not in real life. So don't ask how that moves. And that technology has now been in place for about 18 years. So if you act like it's the coolest thing ever, people will know you've not watched football in 18 years.

  • When in doubt, cheer with the people you're with, and keep quiet if you're confused. Or, go to the bathroom. Again.

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4 Comments:

Blogger amanda said...

Thank you! This will help me in tomorrow for the big day.

To aid in the bathroom facade, drink a 2-liter, no, not just part of it. If you drink the whole thing, then you can say, "Yes, I have to go to the bathroom again...I drank a whole two-liter." This helps on several levels 1)You have to keep leaving the game to refill up your drink 2)You have to keep leaving the game to have tinkle time. The key to this is "leaving the game."

03 February, 2007 13:56

 
Blogger Jay said...

Speaking of "tinkle time," did you notice the well-placed Eda Jameson portrait in my upstairs bathroom?

03 February, 2007 14:23

 
Blogger Amanda said...

Yes, I meant to ask you who that was. And was that your handwriting?

03 February, 2007 14:44

 
Blogger amanda said...

Also, you can take pictures (a great distraction) or have a friend call you (Um...I gotta take this).

04 February, 2007 17:28

 

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