Dateworthy List of the Day
We've polled lots of women and have found several initial cues to quickly determine if a guy's NOT dateworthy. If he does any or all of the things on this list, he is probably Holistically Weird™ and you will need to directly tell him to "back off." Again, please add to our list should you possess more wisdom than us. (Like that's possible)
- his friends call him "Mr. Boring" or "Señor Boring"
- he either plays or is from "Organ"
- he looks more "seaworthy" than "dateworthy"
- he has longer hair, bigger boobs, or smaller waist than you
- he cancelled "Game Nite with Mom™" to go out with you
- he clips his toenails during church
- he announces bodily functions before and/or after bathroom visits
- his neck is wider than his head...and hairier
- in a bedroom situation he says, "you have to look closely." (hey, it's the 90s)
Um, ok, I'l add one. Let's see... sorting through the vast sea of related information in my head...
If he has a truck, Honda Civic or Ford Escort that looks like it's been through a bad knock-off of Pimp My Ride, you probably don't want to date him.
^ This is going to weed out a lot of disappointed pirates...
Best pirate pick-up lines:
- "Wanna come back to my place and buckle some swashes?"
- "I'd like to drop anchor in your lagoon."
- "Prepare to be boarded."
Auntie Vander's Creep-o-meter Scale
10-Groupie Force Field-this is a big problem in church circles, where there's one man for every six hundred and forty three women. Hint: being surrounded by women doesn't mean one is hot. It just means one is surrounded. (Look closely: do they have machetes?)
9-Let Me Tell You How It Is-this is where self-purported alphamale instructs said girl on how to do anything from diversify her 401K to checking her tires. She already knows how to do these things. Alphamale merely likes to hear himself explain procedures and she can't get a word in to shut him up.
8-Are You Clearing Your Throat or is it an Air Raid?-disgusting gutteral noises may help one communicate with primates, but they do not impress the ladies.
7-Gentlemen, Start Your Engines-Okay, this is the saddest one. Never, ever, ever rev your engine in a parking lot to impress girls. In no way is peeling out of the Wal-Mark parking lot an attractive thing, especially in your 1993 Taurus.
6-Big Faker-He pretends to think your career is fascinating, even while you are telling him it sucks. Brownnoser.
5-Pleated pants and tassled loafers. Ew.
4-Proudly wears the team jersey of a famous person involved in a sport he does not play. Refers to anything that team does as though he himself did it. Example, "We just didn't play our hardest; we'll have to step it up in the second half." No, sweetie. THEY might step it up, but you will be on your couch, eating chips. Go, team.
3-Anything You Can Do I Can Do Slower-He needs to be in charge so badly he wrenches control of even tiny projects like moving furniture or where to park the car. Inevitably, he then completes the task much slower than the person who was already doing it, but hey, it makes him feel important. And he'll be consumed enough by his own bravado that he won't see the womenfolk looking at one another and rolling their eyes.
2-Wounded Puppies Aren't Much Fun-Here's the guy who milks his insecurities for all they're worth by telling girls about his childhood traumas. Pity as an aphrodisiac. Interesting tactic, no?
and the number one:
1-Little Ways to Say I Hate You-He doesn't return phone calls. Nice to your face, but completely tanks whenever the tiniest of adult responsibilities is put in his path. Helps if said creep has a degree in communications (not that I'd know). Yechhh.
Jay - Thanks for the explanation. Sorry I had to be "that person" who even needed the explanation. Very funny though. I would have got it if you said it in person. maybe.
Jason: ...is way too descriptive!
And "in a bedroom situation he says, 'you have to look closely'" isn't??
"Is that a parrot on your shoulder, or are you just happy to see me?"