Mixing Helpfulness and Humor Since 2005

Monday, August 08, 2005

How-To Guide to Keep the Government from Seizing your Property (Part I)

In response to the Supreme Court's decision in the Kelo case back in June (which basically said it's cool if the government wants to bulldoze your 19th century Victorian to build a 21st century shopping mall), it looks like local governments around the country are standing up and saying, "Actually, we're not big fans of that idea. Shame on you! Bad court! Bad!"

Unfortunately, since many of you find yourselves living in states that could care less about silly notions as "private property" (i.e. Connecticut, California, or Red China), here is part one of the handy-dandy guide (in no particular order):

1. Scorched Earth - Perhaps the easiest strategy is to simply douse your property in sweet sweet gasoline. Depending on your level of technical sophistication, this can be done using a variety of methods, be it crop duster, sprinkler, or a simple bucket. Sadly, the price of gasoline these days could make this a little costly, but for us pyromaniacs, it will be more than worth it. This strategy has two key features going for it: it will instantly devalue your property to nearly nothing and no one will want to shoulder the burden of conforming to EPA regulations by paying for expensive cleansing of the property. Furthermore, when the government suits show up to evict you or arrest you or whatever, simply tell them, "Oh, you want my property? That's cool. Think I'll just have a cigar (or a 4th of July sparkler, for those of us who don't smoke)." When you light it, toss the match onto your property, and stand back and watch the inferno of your own handiwork. It would probably be wise to be standing in the street or your neighbor's yard when you do this. You should be prepared for the grim spectacle of having your land be a blasted wasteland where no plants or animals will live for several years, if ever.

Thanks to Citizen Grim for this guide. Join us next week for Part II

5 Comments:

Blogger Kris said...

Well, at least with arsen, if they are going to take your home, the government will give you another place to stay!

08 August, 2005 10:55

 
Blogger vander said...

You could also build your house on a fault line or an active volcano. Then you wouldn't have to pay for gasoline.

08 August, 2005 12:54

 
Blogger Blair said...

I think building your house on a volcano would be pretty cool. You wouldn't have to pay for heat either.

08 August, 2005 19:03

 
Blogger Citizen Grim said...

True, but air conditioning would be insane.

And you'd probably want to take all the batteries out of your smoke detectors, too.

08 August, 2005 20:24

 
Blogger Kris said...

Yes, but if you were to live for a very long time, you could find that you own your very own caldera...some of the most beautiful land in the world.

08 August, 2005 22:26

 

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