Mixing Helpfulness and Humor Since 2005

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Conditioning Tip of the Day

For those of you who's cars' interiors happen to be enveloped in the hide of a once bellowing, cud-chewing bovine, this tip applies to you. We all know that overtime that once soft, plush leather tends to weather and crack. To prevent this unfortunate circumstance we are told by car manuals, dealerships, and car loving fanatic message boards and websites around the world to be sure to condition the leather every so often with some sort of expensive, slippery compound that would have worked great at sending us careening that much faster down the Slip 'N' Slide® in the days when our physique didn't play a crucial role in the bathing suit we bought or how often we wanted to put it on. However, as many of us lead very busy lives and don't have time to lotion the car, this simple tip will actually allow you to kill two birds with one stone. Next time the need to feed yourself strikes, immediately locate the establishment with the greasiest food possible. Go to the drive through and order your next heart stopping meal to go. Here's the catch: don't ask for napkins. After downing your curly fries and double quarter whatever sandwich, simply smear your slimy phalanges around the steering wheel, shift knob cover, or the seat next to you (just make sure no one happens to be sitting there). Oh, and also make sure you can actually maintain control of the vehicle once the wheel has been thoroughly lubricated.
-Matt

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4 Comments:

Blogger Heather said...

Matt, I just wanted to let you and the others know that the place where I work, "Nancy Chang Restaurant", sells bottles of "healthy" cooking oil that might prove to condition leather interiors quite nicely if a spray bottle is employed. I'm sure we all realize that in today's world there are many places we could render the grease necessary for this type of car maintenance activity, but just think of the healthy benefits a combination of grapeseed and canola oils can provide. I really do see the usefulness of the eating and wiping of the fast food onto seat and steering wheel--don't get me wrong, we all need to take in our 5000 calories a day. But if you feel like going a little lighter, buy some of this oil, add a few drops of peppermint essential oil to it, and voila, you've got a new conditioner and Binaca-inspired breath freshener. You'll forget all about eating!

10 February, 2005 01:40

 
Blogger Kris said...

When I think of conditioning, I think of push-ups, sit-ups, and other such tortures. Perhaps this is because I don't have a leather interior. So here's a tip for all of you who have yet to write to Kyle. If you write OC Kyle Calton, it will help to condition your friend. His drill instructor will make him do push-up for having his first name on the envelope. However, Matt, if you still want to be able to beat him in a pull-up contest, I'd suggest leaving his first name off the address, that way he gets less conditioning! :)

10 February, 2005 07:54

 
Blogger Jules said...

My favorite line of this very good post:
"...in the days when our physique didn't play a crucial role in the bathing suit we bought or how often we wanted to put it on."

I don't have leather either. But if I ever do again, I will take this tip to heart.

10 February, 2005 11:36

 
Blogger Kris said...

I'm told Vasiline and a towel will do the trick.

10 February, 2005 15:07

 

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